Jason was out of town a few days during the week after we had retrieved the urn so I found myself sleeping with the bronze heart shaped capsule. I would tuck my kids into bed & as I climbed into bed I would retrieve the heart from its velvet box & hold it in my hand as I cried. I discovered that as I held it that it would become warm. I would pull it out of the box and it would be cold as ice but as I held it & talked to Calvin it would become warm. I knew this was a normal response of metal to warm as it is exposed to heat such as the heat from my hand but as I held the tiny heart and it began to feel warm it was comforting as if I was bringing comfort to my baby. I knew he was not in there but it was the only thing that I could do and as a mother I needed to nurture & provide comfort even if it was to a tiny bronzed heart that held his ashes.
Life began to move a little quicker & we had decided that it was time to move from where we were. We planned a trip to California to the city that we were planning to move to & Jason flew out a few days after the kids & I drove down. I was packing our suitcases and loading the car but before I could leave I needed to grab the velvet box. It sounds crazy but I did not feel that I could leave Calvins ashes in our home all alone. I placed the box in the car amongst the other items & headed to California.
Once in California Calvins ashes came into the room with me & stayed in my suitcase. I knew he was not in there but having all that I had left of him with me was enough. I did not need to sleep with his urn & began to seperate my thoughts of Calvin from his urn with his ashes. I know that I can speak to Calvin even without holding his urn in my hand. I know that comforting my baby was given to me for a short period of time. I held him inside of me from mid January to June 23rd. For 5 months I comforted him & for almost two hours after he was born. I had been given all of the chances to comfort him that I would ever have. Holding his urn was not providing him comfort but prolonging my pain.
When we lose someone it is as if we need to make ourselves suffer because the pain that we feel is so strong that it feels that you NEED to feel it all, every last drop of pain, as if you are closer to the person that you lost because you are hurting. I felt that I had to feel it all & be faced with anguish. I had to feel sorry for myself before I could take a step forward. I am stronger than I was on June 23rd. I face the 23rd of each month and reflect on how I feel after another month has passed. It has been 3 months & it is hard to remember his face, the way he felt or his smell. I have a hard time with this because a part of me wants to stay stuck & a part of me wants to run as fast as I can forgetting it all. I know time will make things easier in one sense because I will not think of him everday as time passes & I will look at his picture less often.
I know however that each time I think of him & each time I look at his picture I hurt just as bad as the day that I had to let him go. Time will heal some parts but I will never be whole again. Even if I am in a great place, I will always have a tiny little space inside of me, inside of my heart or my gut or wherever it is I just know it feels empty.
I lost that piece of me when Calvin died.
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