On Aug 6th we moved into an apartment for what felt like a fresh start. We moved from 3800sf to 1200sf & packed most of our life away in storage. I had kept busy with packing & moving & unpacking & now I sat wondering what to do next. I was doing research each day on the city that we are planning to move to & that would occupy my time for a bit. I began to enjoy sitting on the floor with the kids & teaching them how to play, coming up with different scenarios for my little pony or barbie to act out. We would travel to magic lands where the water would sparkle & the fairies would drop gumballs from the trees. Having them right under me or next to me was a breathe of fresh air. I noticed quickly how lack of space made our life more fun. Having fun with the kids along with the daily household duties seemed to pass time somewhat quickly.
It was Aug 15th before I thought about my loss again. I had began to menstruate for the first time since giving birth and although to most, this is a sign of healing, to me it brought me right back to the day that I began to have contractions. The fear I felt because it was too soon & I knew my baby would die became apparant back on June 23rd when I wiped & saw blood on the tissue.
Now seeing blood on the tissue was not a sign of death but rather a sign that my body was functioning the way that it should. I spiraled this day into a fetal position not wanting to move because menstruation meant I was no longer pregnant-I knew this, but the cramping & the blood reminded me of it.
I knew that having others give birth who were pregnant at the same time as me to healthy babies would be days that the hurt would come back & I prepared myself for these days. I knew the weekend that I had planned to have my baby shower would be a day of pain & finally when my due date comes. I thought about & prepared for these days of pain. I was not prepared for the start of my period to bring emotional pain.
It is interesting how grief pops its head up when you least expect it & can place a black cloud on your day if you let it. For now I am letting it. Each day that I feel it popping up which is becoming fewer & farther between I let it take control. I collapse in defeat & mourn the loss of my son all over again. It seems easier this way than to push it down & pretend that it doesn't exist.
After I or my husband picks me back up again I try to take another step forward moving away from the pain. I know that these dark days will pass & soon will be no more. I know that by allowing them to occur I may seem weak or it may seem unhealthy but for me just the opposite is true. I feel stronger after they pass as if I am one step closer to the rest of my life.
I pampered myself the following week with a mani/pedi & massage. I highly reccomend this form of therapy where you indulge in a healthy activity that makes you happy. I know that Christ is allowing me to be happy & helping me to see that through the pain I will still Live. I could not do this alone & loving the Lord keeps me in good company.
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD. Psalm 118:17
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