five months have come & gone...

My Baby Boy-

It has been almost 5 months since I held you last. As your due date approached, I tried not to think about it as I did not want to slip back into a place that would prevent me from functioning as a mother/wife. I still think about you all the time. I began to prepare for Halloween, remembering of how I had planned in my head what this holiday would bring. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Maybe it’s because it is geared towards the innocence that children possess maybe it is because even as an adult I have an opportunity to dress up & pretend. Play make believe for a day & escape my age. During the early months of pregnancy I had thought about how you would barely be a week or two old and I wondered how we would make it work. Would Daddy take your sisters & brother out in their costumes? Would I be brave enough to tag along with you strapped to me or would you & I just curl up in our comfy bed & cuddle in the quiet? As October 31^st approached & our days were filled with costumes, candy & a family vacation to Disneyland I noticed that the days flew by & even though I thought of you a few times I did not mourn you. I just remembered what I thought would have been if you were here. I feel like it was yesterday that I held your tiny body, yesterday that I kissed your fingers, yesterday that I unwrapped your feet to peek at what we had created. I also feel at times that it has been 500 months instead of just 5. I am flying home today & as I peered out the window of the plane, I watched the clouds pass by. White fluffy clouds & I thought about you in heaven. I thought about how you will be there when I arrive & if I cannot have you here on earth I am so thankful to at least be able to have you for eternity in heaven.