It had been three days since my son was born and three days since he had died. Today was my husband's birthday and no one felt like celebrating. I encouraged him to go & play golf which is his favorite thing to do. It took some convincing but he finally arranged a round to be played with his Dad at a new course that he sounded almost excited to play.
We were trying to do normal things so that we would not be zombies around our three small children. Having his parents here helped because we had conversations that kept the silence away. Silence seemed to bring anguish that was so deep I would feel like I was falling inside of a dark hole that I could not get out of. I had woke up every morning since I had been home at or around 4:09 am. I would lay there & cry and think why am I waking up? Is God punishing me because he wants me to relive the most terrible moment of my life? After telling my brother he said that maybe Calvin would visit me at this time just to see how I was doing & to remind me that he was still with me. This helped and each night there after instead of crying and feeling angry that I was having to relive the moment I began to cry and feel joy and comfort that maybe my brother was right and maybe Calvin was in the room with me trying to tell me that he was ok & that I would also be ok.
My milk was beginning to come in and my boobs were becoming huge. They were so big that they would not fit in any bra that I had so I made a trip to Walmart to purchase sports bras. I was still healing and the Dr. had said that if I walked too much that it would cause me to bleed more & would prolong my healing so I sat in a power wheel chair and rolled my way through the bra department. I felt awkward but also felt freedom since I had been on bedrest and now was finally beginning to do what seemed to be a normal task.
I had picked up a cake mix the day before with plans to make it for Jason's birthday but I just did not feel like baking & I knew Jason would not feel like blowing out candles or hearing our kids sing. We were beginning to do normal stuff but had not yet reached a place where we could be that normal.
I had used the power wheel chair at the grocery store while my mother in law walked next to me to stock up on all that we were out of and all of the junk food that I would need to emotionally eat my way through the next two weeks and had walked into Kohls to buy something elastic that I could fit into since the thought of wearing maternity clothes made me want to curl up and sob & wearing what I wore before pregnancy was not an option because none of it would fit. I was slowly walking towards normal. My trip to Kohls was not without a crying episode in the car & discovering that nothing fit from my closet but maternity clothes caused me to break down and fall to the closet floor sobbing but slowly I could take little steps toward healing. I could slowly walk towards what would one day be normal again.
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