The week of June 27th

My inlaws would return home this week and my husband would return to work. My boobs were so engorged and so painful that I thought I might be the only person in the world to ever die from having her milk come in. I was so swollen that my bra left indentions and creases that marked up each breast. My boobs felt like they were on fire and contained what felt like many large rocks. They were horrifically lumpy, swollen, and more painful than anything I have ever experienced. I could not lay or breathe or walk or dress myself without being in so much pain that I would clench my teeth and squint my eyes. Holding or hugging my children had become impossible and I thought this stage would never be over. It was a constant reminder of what I should be doing but couldn't because my baby was gone.

I had always missed out on breastfeeding. I had adopted my children and had felt left out when I would see a mother feeding her baby or I would sit through a conversation about a pump a method or a way to wean a child without being able to give my input.

My oldest had inquired years prior if I had breast fed her and I remember feeling "less than" because I had not. I explained to her that she was adopted so I had fed her from a bottle and I felt a sense of failure as if I had let her down. I had wondered throught the years if I would have had difficulty breastfeeding if I had ever had the chance to give birth-it was a way that I could make myself feel better each time that I felt left out I would just say to myself  "you probably would not have been able to anyway" ...but now as I sat in a bath watching my milk drain from my breast (the warm water would cause them to drain some) I knew that I would have breastfed with ease.

The bath water became murky and I felt relief that some milk had left my boobs before they had a chance to pop like a balloon that was too full of water. At the same time I felt immense pain that what God had given me to nourish my baby with was now leaving my body being sent down a bath tub drain. It would never cross my babys lips. I would never need to cover up while nursing or keep track of which side my baby had nursed from last. My baby was gone & I never even had a chance to feed him.