Dear Calvin~

Dear Calvin-

                                As I write my last entry on my journey with you I realize that my journey will last a lifetime. I will have a lifetime to remember your sweet little face...

 I want you to know that Daddy & I dreamed of being able to become pregnant. When I found out I was finally pregnant it caught me by complete surprise. I was elated & scared that something would go wrong. You seemed too good to be true! I surprised your Daddy after taking a test and visiting a Dr. He was shocked & I will never forget the look on his face, he was amazed, ecstatic and worried all at the same time. We had built our family using God & love & now God & love had brought us one more to make our home complete. I remember running to the store with the biggest smile on my face to buy a maternity outfit. This of course was the day after I found out that I was pregnant because I had waited so long to be able to wear clothes that would represent to the world that I was going to be a Mommy again. I could not wait even another second. I tore through the racks not even caring what the color shape or size was. I was determined to buy my first maternity outfit; thank goodness it was comfy, cute & turned out to be my go to outfit while I carried you inside of me. I planned a water birth at home. I wanted to bring you into this world with candles flickering, music playing and family all around. I wanted every second of this experience to be special. I planned to take hypnobirthing classes & had interviewed midwives. I found a great team & after the first trimester was over I just knew that my plans were going to work out. I knew each time that I heard your heartbeat that you were strong, you were growing & I would get to meet you soon. We knew when your baby shower would be & that you would share a bedroom with your brother but that in the beginning you would be in our room. We wondered who you would look like. How tall you would be & if you would play sports like your daddy did. We began to gather items so that when you arrived we would be prepared. I ordered a Doppler so that I could hear & record the sound of your heartbeat. I listened to you every week. I began to notice that when I had a sour belt (a candy that I craved) that you would begin to move and feeling you flip & flop inside of me was so amazing! I had morning sickness in the beginning & kept ginger root beer in a fridge next to our bed along with pretzel sticks & every morning I would drink about 6 sips & eat about 10 pretzels before climbing out of bed to start my day. I feel so fortunate to have had these experiences. I feel JOY when I think about our time with you.

Daddy & I have decided to try again to try to conceive. We are so scared but filled with hope. What happened with you could happen again & we feel that we want- if only granted a few months, to be able to experience the happiness that we had with you. We feel that if we do not try that we will be paralyzed with the thought of our tragic pregnancy & that if we try that we can feel as though we are celebrating the time that we had with you & hoping to be able to experience it again. We will not allow the tragic ending of our pregnancy with you to define the meaning of pregnancy for us. We want to experience it all over again… the maternity clothes, the heartbeat on the doppler, the planning for our baby’s future. We hope that this time will be different & that after experiencing all of the happiness & joy that we will then be blessed enough to have a happier ending. 

 We had decided that we were finished with growing our family & you helped us to see that we still have room in our hearts & our home for one more. We will begin again in a few months to try to conceive. We know that we may have only one opportunity to be pregnant & that the opportunity may have been you. If that is all of the time that we have to experience life growing that we created then  we both agree that we were blessed to have had you even if we did not get to keep you. If it is Gods will to grant us the ability to be able to conceive then we can only take it one day at a time hoping & praying that we will be able to bring a baby home. We will not be afraid as we know that any time will be worth whatever pain that we may experience.  You showed us that even a few hours, a few months can equal a lifetime of joy & sometimes pain but the JOY was far greater than we will allow the pain to be!

I will miss you for a lifetime & I will love you for eternity! Stay with me my son & soon I will hold you again! Love-Mommy

five months have come & gone...

My Baby Boy-

It has been almost 5 months since I held you last. As your due date approached, I tried not to think about it as I did not want to slip back into a place that would prevent me from functioning as a mother/wife. I still think about you all the time. I began to prepare for Halloween, remembering of how I had planned in my head what this holiday would bring. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Maybe it’s because it is geared towards the innocence that children possess maybe it is because even as an adult I have an opportunity to dress up & pretend. Play make believe for a day & escape my age. During the early months of pregnancy I had thought about how you would barely be a week or two old and I wondered how we would make it work. Would Daddy take your sisters & brother out in their costumes? Would I be brave enough to tag along with you strapped to me or would you & I just curl up in our comfy bed & cuddle in the quiet? As October 31^st approached & our days were filled with costumes, candy & a family vacation to Disneyland I noticed that the days flew by & even though I thought of you a few times I did not mourn you. I just remembered what I thought would have been if you were here. I feel like it was yesterday that I held your tiny body, yesterday that I kissed your fingers, yesterday that I unwrapped your feet to peek at what we had created. I also feel at times that it has been 500 months instead of just 5. I am flying home today & as I peered out the window of the plane, I watched the clouds pass by. White fluffy clouds & I thought about you in heaven. I thought about how you will be there when I arrive & if I cannot have you here on earth I am so thankful to at least be able to have you for eternity in heaven.

                                               

Aug 6th-Aug 15th

On Aug 6th we moved into an apartment for what felt like a fresh start. We moved from 3800sf to 1200sf & packed most of our life away in storage. I had kept busy with packing & moving & unpacking & now I sat wondering what to do next. I was doing research each day on the city that we are planning to move to & that would occupy my time for a bit. I began to enjoy sitting on the floor with the kids & teaching them how to play, coming up with different scenarios for my little pony or barbie to act out. We would travel to magic lands where the water would sparkle & the fairies would drop gumballs from the trees. Having them right under me or next to me was a breathe of fresh air. I noticed quickly how lack of space made our life more fun. Having fun with the kids along with the daily household duties seemed to pass time somewhat quickly.

It was Aug 15th before I thought about my loss again. I had began to menstruate for the first time since giving birth and although to most, this is a sign of healing, to me it brought me right back to the day that I began to have contractions. The fear I felt because it was too soon & I knew my baby would die became apparant back on June 23rd when I wiped & saw blood on the tissue.

Now seeing blood on the tissue was not a sign of death but rather a sign that my body was functioning the way that it should. I spiraled this day into a fetal position not wanting to move because menstruation meant I was no longer pregnant-I knew this, but the cramping & the blood reminded me of it.

I knew that having others give birth who were pregnant at the same time as me to healthy babies would be days that the hurt would come back & I prepared myself for these days. I knew the weekend that I had planned to have my baby shower would be a day of pain & finally when my due date comes. I thought about & prepared for these days of pain. I was not prepared for the start of my period to bring emotional pain.

It is interesting how grief pops its head up when you least expect it & can place a black cloud on your day if you let it. For now I am letting it. Each day that I feel it popping up which is becoming fewer & farther between I let it take control. I collapse in defeat & mourn the loss of my son all over again. It seems easier this way than to push it down & pretend that it doesn't exist.

After I or my husband picks me back up again I try to take another step forward moving away from the pain. I know that these dark days will pass & soon will be no more. I know that by allowing them to occur I may seem weak or it may seem unhealthy but for me just the opposite is true. I feel stronger after they pass as if I am one step closer to the rest of my life.

I pampered myself the following week with a mani/pedi & massage. I highly reccomend this form of therapy where you indulge in a healthy activity that makes you happy. I know that Christ is allowing me to be happy & helping me to see that through the pain I will still Live. I could not do this alone & loving the Lord keeps me in good company.

I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD. Psalm 118:17



July 12th-Aug 6th

Jason was out of town a few days during the week after we had retrieved the urn so I found myself sleeping with the bronze heart shaped capsule. I would tuck my kids into bed & as I climbed into bed I would retrieve the heart from its velvet box & hold it in my hand as I cried. I discovered that as I held it that it would become warm. I would pull it out of the box and it would be cold as ice but as I held it & talked to Calvin it would become warm. I knew this was a normal response of metal to warm as it is exposed to heat such as the heat from my hand but as I held the tiny heart and it began to feel warm it was comforting as if I was bringing comfort to my baby. I knew he was not in there but it was the only thing that I could do and as a mother I needed to nurture & provide comfort even if it was to a tiny bronzed heart that held his ashes.

Life began to move a little quicker & we had decided that it was time to move from where we were. We planned a trip to California to the city that we were planning to move to & Jason flew out a few days after the kids & I drove down. I was packing our suitcases and loading the car but before I could leave I needed to grab the velvet box. It sounds crazy but I did not feel that I could leave Calvins ashes in our home all alone. I placed the box in the car amongst the other items & headed to California.

Once in California Calvins ashes came into the room with me & stayed in my suitcase. I knew he was not in there but having all that I had left of him with me was enough. I did not need to sleep with his urn & began to seperate my thoughts of Calvin from his urn with his ashes. I know that I can speak to Calvin even without holding his urn in my hand. I know that comforting my baby was given to me for a short period of time. I held him inside of me from mid January to June 23rd. For 5 months I comforted him & for almost two hours after he was born. I had been given all of the chances to comfort him that I would ever have. Holding his urn was not providing him comfort but prolonging my pain.

When we lose someone it is as if we need to make ourselves suffer because the pain that we feel is so strong that it feels that you NEED to feel it all, every last drop of pain, as if you are closer to the person that you lost because you are hurting. I felt that I had to feel it all & be faced with anguish. I had to feel sorry for myself before I could take a step forward. I am stronger than I was on June 23rd. I face the 23rd of each month and reflect on how I feel after another month has passed. It has been 3 months & it is hard to remember his face, the way he felt or his smell. I have a hard time with this because a part of me wants to stay stuck & a part of me wants to run as fast as I can forgetting it all. I know time will make things easier in one sense because I will not think of him everday as time passes & I will look at his picture less often.

I know however that each time I think of him & each time I look at his picture I hurt just as bad as the day that I had to let him go. Time will heal some parts but I will never be whole again. Even if I am in a great place, I will always have a tiny little space inside of me, inside of my heart or my gut or wherever it is I just know it feels empty.

I lost that piece of me when Calvin died.

Monday July 11th

The phone rang & I recognized the number. It was Vivian from the funeral home. I took a deep breathe & almost ignored the call because I knew why she was calling. I said "hello" & she said "your sons remains are ready for pickup". I hope to never have to hear those words again! Jason took the morning off & My friend who was visiting stayed with our children. As we drove to the office we did not say much. I remember thinking about how I needed to keep it together & wondered what to do with the ashes once I was in the car. I wondered if I should hold them or place them in the center console. Such a strange thought process because it really did not matter & my husband would not judge me either way but I could not help but to think of how I should act & what I should do as if I needed to plan the script in my head. It was such a foreign experience. Nothing that anyone could ever prepare for. No matter how many times I thought it out I could not decide what to do or how I should act. We pulled into the parking lot & I lost my train of thought & began to focus instead on making the process quick, like pulling off a band-aid.

 We rang the bell & she opened the door & said just a moment as we stepped inside. She returned carrying a dark blue velvet box & inside of the box was the heart shaped urn that we had picked out.

                        

It was small enough to hold in one hand. I opened the box & ran my finger across the urn. It was cold like metal. We walked to the car & I decided to drive because I had cried enough & I did not want to sit & think I just wanted to focus on driving. As I hopped in the car I realized that by driving that I could not hold the box that held what was left of my baby so without thinking I did what I do with anything that is in my hand as I enter the car, I placed the box in the center console.

I thought on the way home if this choice was apropriate & I decided that my only other option would have been for Jason to hold it & putting him in a place where he needed to hold a box on his lap that held a urn that held Calvin's ashes would have been tough for him. This was best for both of us.

In the days before I had pictured myself sobbing as I held the box on the way home. I had pictured an end to our journey because we would finally be able to bring our baby home. I discovered as I drove that bringing Calvin home was not an option. Calvin was gone & what I was doing was just a formality. I was retrieving the box that held the urn that encapsulated my baby's ashes.

I will cherish this tiny urn & always keep it close but this heart shaped piece of bronze is not my baby.

My Baby is gone.

It is God who gives me strength & makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

July 8th

It had been 2 weeks and it was time to celebrate our 11th year of marriage. My husband called the sitter & informed her of what had happened in our life so that she would not be shocked when she arrived to find that I was no longer pregnant. He had told me that he was taking me out & I knew that it needed to happen but I was not excited about going. I knew I needed to move through the motions because I could not stay stuck forever not wanting to celebrate another thing in life so I finally took a shower around 4pm and was barely ready by our 5pm start time. We had decided to treat ourselves to Ichiban figuring them cooking in front of us while eating would give us less time to think or sit silent. I thought about the last time that we had ate here and how I was pregnant and Jason had rushed me through the casino because people were smoking and he did not want me to inhale any smoke while being pregnant. Now I was sitting at the bar having a margarita feeling like my pregnancy had been just a dream.

Eleven years of marriage had brought us so many twists & turns none of them could we had predicted especially this last so knowing that as long as we held on tight to each other & to God that we could live a glorious life brought us both comfort. We could not have imagined going through any of this without having each other so if I could have picked one thing to celebrate first after such a tragic event in our life I would have to say that our marriage was certainly worth celebrating & smiling about.

June 30th marked a week that had passed...

By now I was managing normal household duties during the day & my husband had worked a few days at his typical 8-5 hours. We were approaching the July 4th weekend with no plans because just like his birthday we did not feel like celebrating or being around other people. We were discovering that joy did not come by celebrating with fireworks or candles but rather by settling in to watch tv or a long hot shower or watching our kids run through bubbles in the back yard. Joy came in the simple things & we did not need to look far to find it. We were more appreciative and more willing to accept our schedule of having no where to go and no one to see as long as we were together we would find joy.

I had made it to the mailbox to find Calvins death certificate, many sympathy cards & a medical bill from the hospital. It seemed life was carrying on. People were still thinking of us but business was back to usual. I was thinking of Calvin almost every minute of every day but I was not as sad as I was. I was not angry, I was never angry and by now I had began to accept that God had a plan to help us through this and that we would be stronger because of this.

Each day brought new hope. I had received a small box from the hospital that contained a picture that was took while his body was at the hospital, it also contained a molded imprint of his feet, the hat he wore, the hospital bracelet that was on his ankle & a certificate that read "Congratulations on the birth of your baby". I found myself finding time each day to look at his photo. I would rub my finger across the molded casting of his footprint & feel his tiny toes. I would hold & smell his little blue hat. Each day I would cry while I did this but it seemed to help because I was spending time with him.