My Mother arrived late on Monday 13th and although I have never had a very close relationship with her & have never depended upon her in the past I was somehow naive to the thought that she would swoop in here & make our life easier by replacing me-my duties as a mother to my kids & my house. I was not surprised to learn that by Friday morning she was ready to leave making her departure as high stressed & argumentative as possible. I was disappointed but also relieved that she left sooner than later. My children have only seen her a handful of times for a few hours at a time so them getting use to her being around only to have her retreat again would have been too stressful for them anyway. I am saddened by her loss as I am her only daughter but I cannot continue to live by her chaotic nature & have decided that her choice to abandon me, my kids & my husband when we needed a hero was too much. I forgive her & wish her well but know that I am stronger without her.
By mid-day Monday I had placed an S.O.S signal out to all of my friends & relatives & was thrilled to piece together a weeks worth of help from close friends to even a lady that I have only met once. God is great as when I needed to divert another crisis he flooded me with options. My friends are so selfless-I am blessed to have them in my life! Thank You Shay-Christena-Aimee-Jeni-Cindy & Denise for stepping up!
My niece who is a teenager volunteered to sacrafice her summer to help us out. She even offered to arrive a week early even though she would miss out on a trip to the beach & a chance to tour the College that she may attend. I am so proud of her for being willing to be selfless. She will be here soon to help with the kids & the house. She will learn the kids' routine for a week before her Mother (my sister in law) & her brother (my nephew) will arrive to stay the entire month of July. I am still bewildered at how they were so willing & in fact anxious to help out. I will never be able to repay them but hope to have small chances in the future to show them how much them dropping everything & swooping in to save us is appreciated.
We celebrated Father’s Day on Sunday by the kids each giving Jason a handmade card & me presenting him with a framed photo of my tummy & our Lil' kids' handprints. The Star Wars frame says "The force runs strong in my family" Luke Skywalker. We can only hope that the force does run strong in our family!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sunday June 12th-Thursday June 16th
My Mother in law left on Sunday and although we enjoyed her being here as it provided a small amount of distraction-we all wished that it was under better circumstances. Each day we would get a little closer to the point at which we knew the baby would survive outside of his womb (25 wks). Each day also brought more anxiety & stress as we were unsure of "if" we would make it to (25 wks). We were in agony over the thought that anything could happen during any second of any day which would bring our journey to a screeching hault! It was 24 weeks for a baby that "may" survive but 22 wks & 2 days or 23 wks & 3 days would not count-if he came then he would die. We had to reach the 24 wk mark.
On Thursday we saw our specialist as he had requested that we drive to his office once a week. The day started out as an exciting one. I took a shower & even shaved my legs! My husband arrived home by 9:30am to pick me up as our appt was at 10. He informed me as we entered our minivan that this trip would be considered our "date" this month. I smiled at the thought but was oddly not disappointed as I knew we would hear our son's heartbeat & it would be the best date ever!
Arriving at the Dr.'s office we noticed a side entrance that I could take as it would enable me to have to walk less. I approached the door as my husband parked the van & the door was locked. Thankfully two ladies were approaching the door from the inside hall & opened the door for me, informing me in an authoritive voice that I had to have a key-really?!... I thought. Ahwell- no one was going to bring my mood down because although every step I took made me worry that I was stepping closer to labor I also knew in a few minutes that I would have a little relief as I would get to see & hear my baby.
They called my name fairly quickly as they did not want me to be upright too long. I laid on the table & the Dr. came in. I explained to him that I had experienced very little leaking over the past week. I just knew that he was going to say that my amniotic fluid level was still at a 15 which is where it was 8 days before. He attempted to measure and said with a sigh that there was not even a pocket of fluid deep enough for him to get a measurement from so he was going to say that my fluid level was at a zero. I did not know what to say...I was speechless. I thought... my baby needs fluid to survive & I have none??!! How can this be? He told me that he would not consider my condition to be any worse than when he had last saw me & that I could still make it to 24 weeks even though my fluids were at a zero. I thought yeah right! I knew we needed a miracle!
On Thursday we saw our specialist as he had requested that we drive to his office once a week. The day started out as an exciting one. I took a shower & even shaved my legs! My husband arrived home by 9:30am to pick me up as our appt was at 10. He informed me as we entered our minivan that this trip would be considered our "date" this month. I smiled at the thought but was oddly not disappointed as I knew we would hear our son's heartbeat & it would be the best date ever!
Arriving at the Dr.'s office we noticed a side entrance that I could take as it would enable me to have to walk less. I approached the door as my husband parked the van & the door was locked. Thankfully two ladies were approaching the door from the inside hall & opened the door for me, informing me in an authoritive voice that I had to have a key-really?!... I thought. Ahwell- no one was going to bring my mood down because although every step I took made me worry that I was stepping closer to labor I also knew in a few minutes that I would have a little relief as I would get to see & hear my baby.
They called my name fairly quickly as they did not want me to be upright too long. I laid on the table & the Dr. came in. I explained to him that I had experienced very little leaking over the past week. I just knew that he was going to say that my amniotic fluid level was still at a 15 which is where it was 8 days before. He attempted to measure and said with a sigh that there was not even a pocket of fluid deep enough for him to get a measurement from so he was going to say that my fluid level was at a zero. I did not know what to say...I was speechless. I thought... my baby needs fluid to survive & I have none??!! How can this be? He told me that he would not consider my condition to be any worse than when he had last saw me & that I could still make it to 24 weeks even though my fluids were at a zero. I thought yeah right! I knew we needed a miracle!
Saturday June 11th
I was released from the hospital on Friday so I had been home for 24 hours. I was still very anxious as to the thought of dooms day lurking at my door but being home made time pass a little more quickly. I wanted to pretend that everything would be ok & that this experience was no big deal but every time that I felt a gas pain or the baby kick I would wonder if this was it! I would be real still making sure that I had not just felt a contraction.
I tried not to use the restroom except when I absolutely had to & vowed to only shower every other day. I watched my children play & my husband prepare our home for a long list of people who would be in & out to help. I tried to get used to the idea that I would be asking everyone-family-friends and even at times strangers to help me out by filling up my water bottle or handing me my book if I could not reach it. My semi obsessive compulsive behavior quickly faded as I had to deal with items being on my counters or my kids not being wiped up as thoroughly after a meal as I would have done it. I dealt with my desk being a mess even though I saw it every time I used the restroom & I knew others would too I tried to understand that it was not a priority.
We setup my clothes-towels etc. right near the shower so I would not have to parade back & forth to obtain the items that I needed when I showered. We moved our master bed to the living room and sacrificed privacy so that I may be able to succeed through this bed rest time without feeling locked away & depressed.
Each day that went by we knew we were a little closer to our baby being able to live! My wonderful circle of friends setup a schedule to deliver meals to us and the month of June quickly filled up with a meal being delivered to us each night. July has been started & knowing that my family will be cared for in what seems like a simple gesture is a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. I know my husband will sacrifice & stress during the time that I will be down & knowing that he will not have to work all day & come home while our children wait anxiously to have to cook a meal. He will not have to plan a menu or grocery shop for ingredients. He simply has to heat & serve which makes his evening so much easier! I am so thankful for those who have stepped up volunteering their time & resources to help us out! You have all shown me the other side of when I would deliver a meal or help a friend out. I knew I was helping but I never realized how much.
I tried not to use the restroom except when I absolutely had to & vowed to only shower every other day. I watched my children play & my husband prepare our home for a long list of people who would be in & out to help. I tried to get used to the idea that I would be asking everyone-family-friends and even at times strangers to help me out by filling up my water bottle or handing me my book if I could not reach it. My semi obsessive compulsive behavior quickly faded as I had to deal with items being on my counters or my kids not being wiped up as thoroughly after a meal as I would have done it. I dealt with my desk being a mess even though I saw it every time I used the restroom & I knew others would too I tried to understand that it was not a priority.
We setup my clothes-towels etc. right near the shower so I would not have to parade back & forth to obtain the items that I needed when I showered. We moved our master bed to the living room and sacrificed privacy so that I may be able to succeed through this bed rest time without feeling locked away & depressed.
Each day that went by we knew we were a little closer to our baby being able to live! My wonderful circle of friends setup a schedule to deliver meals to us and the month of June quickly filled up with a meal being delivered to us each night. July has been started & knowing that my family will be cared for in what seems like a simple gesture is a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. I know my husband will sacrifice & stress during the time that I will be down & knowing that he will not have to work all day & come home while our children wait anxiously to have to cook a meal. He will not have to plan a menu or grocery shop for ingredients. He simply has to heat & serve which makes his evening so much easier! I am so thankful for those who have stepped up volunteering their time & resources to help us out! You have all shown me the other side of when I would deliver a meal or help a friend out. I knew I was helping but I never realized how much.
Friday June 10th
After getting only a few hours of interrupted sleep. I woke up hoping it was all a dream. I could hear the i.v. swooshing next to my ear & the beeping down the hall. The lady next door had a constant heart rate monitor on. I heard her baby's heart beating all through the night. It was a terrible reminder that my baby could be dying inside of me. I was grateful that the constant flow of amniotic fluid had stopped but knew that the specialist would be in by noon to tell me where this might be headed. I assumed that it would not be good news. Jason headed home as his Mom had flown in the night before & he did not have much of a chance to get her settled. He was gone for a few hours and in between me dosing off I remember thinking that time had flown by.
The specialist arrived and confirmed our fears. He explained that usually women would give birth within 24 hours of their water breaking & that if it happened that our baby was too little to survive. He said it was possible that I would not give birth & that my body might hold off long enough for my baby to survive. This would require that I be on strict bed rest, only moving to use the restroom then to get back into bed. I did not care if I had to be hung upside down over a swamp full of alligators I would do whatever it took for as long as it took.
He explained that another complication would be that I could get an infection because due to the rupture there was an entrance to the womb where bacteria could form & if this were to happen that the only choice would be to deliver the baby even though he would be too little to survive. We talked about how I would know if I had an infection. He said I would run a fever or my stomach would get sore or I would begin to have contractions.
We asked if I were to go into labor before the baby could survive if they could use cesarean instead of me having to live with the memory or birthing a lifeless body. He said no, that it would also run a risk of infection & the healing time would be longer. Didn't he understand the healing time that my heart would endure if I had to push a baby from my womb never to hear him cry or see his eyes looking up at me! I somehow thought that knocking me out and surgically removing my precious baby would be less traumatic-who was I kidding? Either way I would have a lifelong amount of pain!
He wanted us to understand the risk involved even if we could make it to 25 weeks (I was currently 21 wks. & 3 days) He said our baby could be blind or deaf that he could have cerebral palsy or lifelong respiratory disease. He could be paralyzed. He could have to have several surgeries to repair his heart or his eyes. He would spend several months in the nicu and still there was a chance that he might not make it. He gave us a choice explaining in detail that he could insert a device into my vagina that would cause my cervix to begin to open and that he would administer pitocin to bring on contractions that we had a CHOICE a choice to play GOD! We could choose that today would be the day that we would give up on our miracle. With no hesitation we declared NO! We have God on our side & God will protect our son we stated that God would give him the exact life that he should have and that he had placed him with us knowing that we could handle it. We explained that if our baby did not make it that it would be because God chose that for him & not because we did. The Dr. did not seem surprised at our decision and stated that he hated to even give us that option but he wanted us be well informed.
We ended our talk with the Dr. with him explaining that all we could do was wait. He would send me home with antibiotics asking that I stay in bed. We would hope that I could wait it out to 25 weeks at which point I would come back to the hospital for around the clock monitoring. He said that he would deliver a 25 wk. old baby but that he preferred to deliver a 29 wk. old baby so the longer the better. We were hopeful but felt very vulnerable as there was nothing the Dr. could do-there was nothing we could-only God could provide what we needed!
The specialist arrived and confirmed our fears. He explained that usually women would give birth within 24 hours of their water breaking & that if it happened that our baby was too little to survive. He said it was possible that I would not give birth & that my body might hold off long enough for my baby to survive. This would require that I be on strict bed rest, only moving to use the restroom then to get back into bed. I did not care if I had to be hung upside down over a swamp full of alligators I would do whatever it took for as long as it took.
He explained that another complication would be that I could get an infection because due to the rupture there was an entrance to the womb where bacteria could form & if this were to happen that the only choice would be to deliver the baby even though he would be too little to survive. We talked about how I would know if I had an infection. He said I would run a fever or my stomach would get sore or I would begin to have contractions.
We asked if I were to go into labor before the baby could survive if they could use cesarean instead of me having to live with the memory or birthing a lifeless body. He said no, that it would also run a risk of infection & the healing time would be longer. Didn't he understand the healing time that my heart would endure if I had to push a baby from my womb never to hear him cry or see his eyes looking up at me! I somehow thought that knocking me out and surgically removing my precious baby would be less traumatic-who was I kidding? Either way I would have a lifelong amount of pain!
He wanted us to understand the risk involved even if we could make it to 25 weeks (I was currently 21 wks. & 3 days) He said our baby could be blind or deaf that he could have cerebral palsy or lifelong respiratory disease. He could be paralyzed. He could have to have several surgeries to repair his heart or his eyes. He would spend several months in the nicu and still there was a chance that he might not make it. He gave us a choice explaining in detail that he could insert a device into my vagina that would cause my cervix to begin to open and that he would administer pitocin to bring on contractions that we had a CHOICE a choice to play GOD! We could choose that today would be the day that we would give up on our miracle. With no hesitation we declared NO! We have God on our side & God will protect our son we stated that God would give him the exact life that he should have and that he had placed him with us knowing that we could handle it. We explained that if our baby did not make it that it would be because God chose that for him & not because we did. The Dr. did not seem surprised at our decision and stated that he hated to even give us that option but he wanted us be well informed.
We ended our talk with the Dr. with him explaining that all we could do was wait. He would send me home with antibiotics asking that I stay in bed. We would hope that I could wait it out to 25 weeks at which point I would come back to the hospital for around the clock monitoring. He said that he would deliver a 25 wk. old baby but that he preferred to deliver a 29 wk. old baby so the longer the better. We were hopeful but felt very vulnerable as there was nothing the Dr. could do-there was nothing we could-only God could provide what we needed!
Thur June 9th
Jason spent the night with me at the hospital and we fell partially asleep as we waited for the outcome of what we hoped to be an uneventful night.
It was around 1 am when I woke up feeling fluid running all over the hospital bed. I called the nurse who changed the waterproof pad from under me. I tried not to panic as I was not sure what it meant. Less than 10 minutes later it happened again and once again the nurse came in. I was terrified & her calm voice did not seem to make me feel any better. After the third time of a large amount of fluid gushing from my body along with my mucus plug Jason & I began to prepare for the fact that we may have to labor through and deliver our baby. We were like a deer in headlights. Our eyes were as big as coins & we spoke slowly in broken sentences managing to verbalize enough to each other to know what the other was thinking. We talked about if we would want to see his frail little lifeless body bundled in a blanket-we talked about if we would have a funeral & a burial or just a cremation. We did not know if we would hear him cry as he took his last breath or if his eyes would be open. We tried to imagine what a pound would look like. We prepared for the worst. We could not believe this was happening. We waited our whole marriage to become pregnant and in the blink of an eye all that we had thought would be was fading quickly.
We had four wonderful kids & our family was great but this baby inside of me was the miracle that we never thought could happen. It was our happy ending because we finally had the chance to experience life growing from conception on. We enjoyed every little move that Calvin would make & every ultrasound & listening to his heartbeat. We both had fun picking out maternity clothes and talking about how our delivery would go. We had a midwife that would help us to deliver at home in a water birthing tub. We had a douhla and a class setup to take a hypnobirthing course. We had it all planned out! We found out what we were having and began to design the nursery. We picked out a strong family name & was so excited to have 2 little girls & 2 little boys. It was perfect!
Now suddenly nothing mattered, It didn't matter if we were having a boy or if his nursery would be blue. It didn't matter if the changing table that we wanted was on back order or if I hadn't found the perfect nursing bra. All that mattered was that we COULD NOT lose our baby!
It was around 1 am when I woke up feeling fluid running all over the hospital bed. I called the nurse who changed the waterproof pad from under me. I tried not to panic as I was not sure what it meant. Less than 10 minutes later it happened again and once again the nurse came in. I was terrified & her calm voice did not seem to make me feel any better. After the third time of a large amount of fluid gushing from my body along with my mucus plug Jason & I began to prepare for the fact that we may have to labor through and deliver our baby. We were like a deer in headlights. Our eyes were as big as coins & we spoke slowly in broken sentences managing to verbalize enough to each other to know what the other was thinking. We talked about if we would want to see his frail little lifeless body bundled in a blanket-we talked about if we would have a funeral & a burial or just a cremation. We did not know if we would hear him cry as he took his last breath or if his eyes would be open. We tried to imagine what a pound would look like. We prepared for the worst. We could not believe this was happening. We waited our whole marriage to become pregnant and in the blink of an eye all that we had thought would be was fading quickly.
We had four wonderful kids & our family was great but this baby inside of me was the miracle that we never thought could happen. It was our happy ending because we finally had the chance to experience life growing from conception on. We enjoyed every little move that Calvin would make & every ultrasound & listening to his heartbeat. We both had fun picking out maternity clothes and talking about how our delivery would go. We had a midwife that would help us to deliver at home in a water birthing tub. We had a douhla and a class setup to take a hypnobirthing course. We had it all planned out! We found out what we were having and began to design the nursery. We picked out a strong family name & was so excited to have 2 little girls & 2 little boys. It was perfect!
Now suddenly nothing mattered, It didn't matter if we were having a boy or if his nursery would be blue. It didn't matter if the changing table that we wanted was on back order or if I hadn't found the perfect nursing bra. All that mattered was that we COULD NOT lose our baby!
Wed June 8th
I sat in the hospital bed trying to explain what I knew to Jason-having to call him back with more information as each nurse or specialist would enter the room with more information. I tried to stay calm as I knew he was driving & had several hours to go. I did not want him to become emotional and even though I quivered as I spoke the words in my head they seemed to flow from my mouth with confidence.
I told him all that I was told-it was TOO EARLY-if Calvin came now he would DIE. I said there is nothing that we can do but to hope that the leak will seal up. I told him about the risk of infection & how I was being started on antibiotics. I told him how most women deliver within 24 hours of this happening.
Once during our call he began to cry. I said no-you cannot do that right now! I cannot do that right now! We both have to be strong & think clearly so scream & let your tears fall then call me back. We both managed to stay un-emotional just in shock until later that night.
It was a few hours into my stay when my Dad called. I had talked to several people-doctor's-friends-relatives but when my Dad called it was my time to lose it... All he said was "How are you Sweatheart"? I could not even speak because I guess I had not thought about how I was. I managed to mumble "I will call you back". I allowed myself to have really big tears fall from my face over & over again for about three minutes. I wiped my face and took a deep breathe & said to myself "you can do this"! When I finally picked up the phone, my call to my Dad was just like all of the others, I explained the facts & hung up saying I would call when I knew more....
I told him all that I was told-it was TOO EARLY-if Calvin came now he would DIE. I said there is nothing that we can do but to hope that the leak will seal up. I told him about the risk of infection & how I was being started on antibiotics. I told him how most women deliver within 24 hours of this happening.
Once during our call he began to cry. I said no-you cannot do that right now! I cannot do that right now! We both have to be strong & think clearly so scream & let your tears fall then call me back. We both managed to stay un-emotional just in shock until later that night.
It was a few hours into my stay when my Dad called. I had talked to several people-doctor's-friends-relatives but when my Dad called it was my time to lose it... All he said was "How are you Sweatheart"? I could not even speak because I guess I had not thought about how I was. I managed to mumble "I will call you back". I allowed myself to have really big tears fall from my face over & over again for about three minutes. I wiped my face and took a deep breathe & said to myself "you can do this"! When I finally picked up the phone, my call to my Dad was just like all of the others, I explained the facts & hung up saying I would call when I knew more....
Premature Rupture of Membranes P.R.O.M
I never attended prom while in highschool as I was a few months away from being married & saw no point in getting dressed up to attend a function that would surround myself with people that were heading in a different direction than I was. I never thought that at almost 30 years old that the term P.R.O.M would be floating around my head again. I have to say that this P.R.O.M is much more scary than the other. I never knew that your water breaking halfway through your pregnancy was even an option. I wonder why it happened...I have no explanation.
The day was like any other. Jason was out of town. The kids woke up-I fed them, changed Brenden, got the girls dressed and they played for a few before I fed them lunch and layed them down for a nap. We had ran one small erron to pick up a hypnobirthing book as I was planning to have a homebirth with no medical intervention and wanted to educate myself on the hypnobirthing technique. Through out the morning from about 9am-1pm I felt a few times that I was "gushing" fluid. I use the term loosely because it was less than a tablespoon at a time but it was definately different. At first I thought maybe it was normal and it would be a one time thing. By the third time I called the Dr. and headed to the emergency room. I phoned a babysitter and snuck out while the kids were napping. I did not call Jason as he was away on business and I was not sure if this was serious or if maybe my bladder was just leaking. I was at the hospital 2 hours when I got the news that I was being admitted. I called Jason and he headed toward me as quickly as he could drive....
The day was like any other. Jason was out of town. The kids woke up-I fed them, changed Brenden, got the girls dressed and they played for a few before I fed them lunch and layed them down for a nap. We had ran one small erron to pick up a hypnobirthing book as I was planning to have a homebirth with no medical intervention and wanted to educate myself on the hypnobirthing technique. Through out the morning from about 9am-1pm I felt a few times that I was "gushing" fluid. I use the term loosely because it was less than a tablespoon at a time but it was definately different. At first I thought maybe it was normal and it would be a one time thing. By the third time I called the Dr. and headed to the emergency room. I phoned a babysitter and snuck out while the kids were napping. I did not call Jason as he was away on business and I was not sure if this was serious or if maybe my bladder was just leaking. I was at the hospital 2 hours when I got the news that I was being admitted. I called Jason and he headed toward me as quickly as he could drive....
Pregnancy Photos
I would give anything to go back to any one of these photos. Nothing could have been done any different. The outcome would be the same but I would do it all over again if I just had one more opportunity to talk to my baby while feeling him turning & kicking in me.
Ultrasounds
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| This was our first ultrasound. |
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| This was our last ultrasound photo. My baby grew inside of me for 23 weeks. He has been gone for 7 days. My body still thinks he is here. I can feel him inside of me-moving...it takes me a second to remember that he is not there. My milk came in & as my breast leak it reminds me that I should be feeding my baby. I was due Oct 15th. I should still be pregnant. I am not angry or bitter just sad that there was nothing that I could do to save him. I was his Mom-I talked to him, I would sing to him. I told him how excited we were & how great his life would be. I prepared him for learning to play golf with daddy & spoke about how his brother would teach him to climb a tree & play with cars. I told him how he was named after his uncle & his Pop-Pop. I planned for him to be here. I have bruises on my arms from the IV/needles that they used to numb my body. The bruises are fading. They are a yellow color which means they will be gone soon. I wish they would stay forever because as they fade I am faced with the reality that time is passing. |
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Little Things that cause BIG pain!
Thats right people! I went to Kohls today because I have waited my whole life to have an excuse to wear clothes from the maternity section-I will be wearing these long after the Baby is due because whoever invented jeans with a huge elastic band is genious! Any excuse for me to be comfy during the day!
I published this on my family blog. I had ran out the day after I had found out that I was pregnant because one thing that I have always had a hard time doing is passing by the maternity section in any store. It was always so painful for me & finally I felt so proud to be able to march right up & pick out an outfit. I did not even try it on. I did not care how it looked I just wanted to finally belong to the "club". The group of women who had all experienced shopping for clothes to fit their expanding tummy.
I drove to Kohls on Saturday after Calvin had passed because I did not want to wear maternity clothes. It was just too painful. I could not however fit back into my jeans yet so I thought I would purchase a few new things. I cried in the car on the way, I cried in the dressing room & I pulled over as I headed home to weep some more. I was overcome with sadness. A hole inside of me as deep as the grand canyon because I would never be able to enter the maternity section again. I felt like it was so unfair that my memories of being pregnant had to be tarnished with such a terrible ending. I will never be able to walk past that part of any store again without remembering my sweet baby boy. 
The Beginning...
My time with Calvin began on Feb 24, 2011
I handed my husband a card after I had been in to see a doctor. I taped my pregnancy test inside of the card & filmed his reaction. We have been married for 11 years. We had tried 7 times with fertility specialist to become pregnant & never succeeded. We had grown our family through adoption & had given up on the thought that we would ever get to experience a pregnancy. I began to feel sick and saw a doctor thinking I might have a tumor because I had been feeling nauseous & my pants were getting tighter. I never even thought that I could be pregnant. It took me a week to really believe it. I saw his heartbeat on the monitor at my first ultrasound & finally knew it was real. I was so excited to be able to experience life growing inside of me. We both said immediately that we would enjoy our pregnancy however long it lasted as even in the very beginning we were cautious that this dream could become a reality. 
It has been 6 days....
My life is so different than I ever planned for it to be. I have learned not to plan. I am taking one day at a time, trying to enjoy as much as I can & not dwelling on how things have turned out. I am doing my best to not sweat the small stuff & just relax, trying to dig deep & determine how to move forward. It is hard to do laundry, take a shower, and vacuum the floor when I know my baby just died.
How can I carry on with normal activities? How can I watch a movie or laugh at something funny? I can because I have to! I have to pick up & take one step forward each day because sitting still; getting stuck will not help anyone. I have to heal and even though I want more than anything to curl up in a ball & never move, sob into a pillow, feel sorry for myself and be angry with God I know that it will not help.
God-even though it is hard to believe did not do this to punish me. He did this to bless me with the ability to overcome all circumstances of life. I will be stronger. I will persevere & I will one day know why I had to experience this pain.
My God is still an awesome God. He is still here with me & because of him I will be able to move forward each day. My life will never be the same. I will remember everything about Calvin from his first kick while inside of me to his little hand that I wrapped around my finger right after he was born. I will think of him every day, every holiday, every time June 23rd rolls around. He will always be with me.
I have decided to create this blog to help myself to move through my grief. I hope that if you choose to read this and follow along with my pain that you will be able to come out the other side just as I plan to & see that no matter what we are faced with that All things are possible with God!
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