Thur June 9th

Jason spent the night with me at the hospital and we fell partially asleep as we waited for the outcome of what we hoped to be an uneventful night.

It was around 1 am when I woke up feeling fluid running all over the hospital bed. I called the nurse who changed the waterproof pad from under me. I tried not to panic as I was not sure what it meant. Less than 10 minutes later it happened again and once again the nurse came in. I was terrified & her calm voice did not seem to make me feel any better. After the third time of a large amount of fluid gushing from my body along with my mucus plug Jason & I began to prepare for the fact that we may have to labor through and deliver our baby. We were like a deer in headlights. Our eyes were as big as coins & we spoke slowly in broken sentences managing to verbalize enough to each other to know what the other was thinking. We talked about if we would want to see his frail little lifeless body bundled in a blanket-we talked about if we would have a funeral & a burial or just a cremation. We did not know if we would hear him cry as he took his last breath or if his eyes would be open. We tried to imagine what a pound would look like. We prepared for the worst. We could not believe this was happening. We waited our whole marriage to become pregnant and in the blink of an eye all that we had thought would be was fading quickly.

We had four wonderful kids & our family was great but this baby inside of me was the miracle that we never thought could happen. It was our happy ending because we finally had the chance to experience life growing from conception on. We enjoyed every little move that Calvin would make & every ultrasound & listening to his heartbeat. We both had fun picking out maternity clothes and talking about how our delivery would go. We had a midwife that would help us to deliver at home in a water birthing tub. We had a douhla and a class setup to take a hypnobirthing course. We had it all planned out! We found out what we were having and began to design the nursery. We picked out a strong family name & was so excited to have 2 little girls & 2 little boys. It was perfect!

Now suddenly nothing mattered, It didn't matter if we were having a boy or if his nursery would be blue. It didn't matter if the changing table that we wanted was on back order or if I hadn't found the perfect nursing bra. All that mattered was that we COULD NOT lose our baby!