My Scarlet Letter

I read the book the scarlet letter while in school and as they wheeled me out of my hospital bed around 9 am that morning, just 5 hours after giving birth. I was pushed past my door and noticed that it had a piece of purple paper taped to it. This, I discovered was the notice to the nurses that my baby had died so that they would be more sensitive upon entering my room. I had been given the scarlet letter. I was wheeled by Jason to the door and as we waited for it to open I held a grey envelope in my lap that contained instructions for my at home recovery. I wanted to scream "NO! I shouldn't have to leave here without my baby! I need more than this envelope to take home! It is not fair!" I began to get a lump in my throat as I held back my tears because I did not want others staring at me as I sobbed. I felt like a robot.

We came straight home & tried to sleep. I couldn't so I called a funeral home & made arrangements for them to pick up my baby's body from the hospital. I hated hearing the sympathetic stranger on the other end of the phone. I hung up feeling like I could not believe I had to do this, was this a nightmare? Was this really happening? Again I felt this is not fair! I was not angry just questioning why me? Why my baby?

My Baby Boy

My baby was handed to me and as I looked down at him I saw a perfect tiny human being. He had my nose and although I had wished that he did not have my nose, he did & it was a perfect fat squished nose right in the middle of his face just like me & my Dad. We all had the same nose. He had Jason's chin & I had hoped that he would not have his daddy's chin but here he was, a perfect combination of both Jason & I.

His eyes were still fused shut because he was too little so I never saw his eyes. I am somewhat thankful for that as I did not want to have to peer into his eyes & have him stare back at me. It was as if he was asleep. He was still alive the nurse said that technically his organs had not fully shut down yet so I held him talking to him telling him how he would be loved in heaven and that his Great Uncles would meet him there. Uncle Keith would take him hunting & Uncle Ted would take him fishing. I told him not to be afraid because one day I would hold him again. I told him I was sorry that he was so small that I did all that I could to help him to grow bigger. I told him how his Daddy & I had wanted him for so long & we were so glad that he had been in our life if only for a short time that we loved him with all of our heart.

He had ten fingers & ten toes and cute little ears. His foot was smaller than my pinky finger. He was wrapped in a blankie & I unwrapped him to see how perfect he was. I held his limp hand & wrapped it around my finger. The time that I had with him went so fast. Around one hour & forty minutes I decided to hand him over to the nurse. I was so afraid that he would gasp or turn blue or begin to become stiff & I did not want that memory so I handed him over about twenty minutes before he was pronounced dead. This is my only regret. I let hime die alone. I wish I would have been strong enough to hold him the entire time even if I heard his last breathe or even if he became cold. I wish I would have held him the whole time so that he would not have been alone.

My only comfort is the thought that the Lord took him while I was still holding him & that pronouncing him dead was just a formality but that he was never alone. I know God was with him the whole time & several angels ready to take him home but as his mother I felt like I needed to be with him the whole time & wish now that I would have been. Like a flash I had said hello & then goodbye to my precious baby boy.
I will never forget his face, his smell or the way that I felt when I held him. I knew he would not survive but he was my baby-my perfect baby boy!

June 23rd 4:00-4:09 am

The dr. came in & I can remember him saying something about when his twins were born to the nurse & I thought what did he say? why is he saying that? It was as if I was in a dream & I could hear them talking but my thoughts were louder than their words.

He asked me to grab my knees and curl up & push like I was..."yeah thats how" is what he said just as Calvin came out. I barely pushed what seemed like half a push & he was here in the Dr's hands being handed to the nurse. It was 4:09 am. It was so quick & now what do I do? I knew I wanted to see him & hold him but I did not know if he was alive or if he had already passed. I did not know if he would look like a normal baby with fingers & toes or if he would be blue or if he would cry. I was so scared of the unknown.

June 23rd 3am

I woke up to the nurse telling me that she was going to check my cervix to see if I was dilated. I stared at the clocked & realized that I had slept several hours & could not believe that time had sped up when it seemed to be passing so slowly before.

The nurse said I was ready. While I slept my cervix had dilated. She said “I can feel his head”. I waited my whole life to hear that sentence & all I could think was “NO!-PLEASE NO! GIVE ME MORE TIME”! I could no longer feel Calvin as I had before because he had moved into the birthing canal & I was numb. I knew we could no longer wait. I said to Jason “did you hear her say she was calling the dr. because it is time to push” he said “yeah” & sat up wiping his eyes as he had also slept a little. We both sat unsure of what was happening next but knowing that it would not be exciting or fulfilling as we had once pictured it.

10pm-3am June 22nd/June23rd

I tried to sleep off & on but the pain meds that they had given me did not seem to help at all. They had tried several cocktails and all it seemed to do was cause me to throw up. Even with the nausea meds I was still vomiting. I curled up in the fetal position & do not remember thinking about anything. My mind was completely blank. Maybe it was the meds or maybe it was God in the room with me but I knew what was coming and I was not afraid. I did not want it to happen but I knew I could do it. I knew I could say hello & goodbye to my baby. I did nothing to try to become more comfortable. I just moaned during each contraction which the nurse might have noticed because she offered me an epidural.

Weeks before I was planning a natural childbirth with candles & a bathtub but now all I wanted was to be numb both physically & mentally. “Give me anything you can give me” I said, not because I was in too much pain, because a part of me wanted to suffer. I wanted it to be as terrible as it could be. I guess this was me feeling sorry for myself.

I then began to think that if I was numb that I could detach more & not have to remember every detail because I would not be able to feel every detail. I remember leaning over holding Jason's shoulders & the anesthesiologist asked me to be still. Are you serious? You want me to be still while the whole time I am contracting & feeling sick to my stomach and am in the most uncomfortable position? I just squeezed Jason's shoulders & tried to concentrate on my grip while continuing to moan.

The epidural kicked in and I fell quickly to sleep.

6pm-10 pm June 22nd

It was apparent when I arrived at the hospital that I was definately having contractions. The moniter showed one every 15 minutes and they began to get stronger. My Dr. met us in the triage & all he said was "its over"! I shook my head showing that I understood. He admitted me into my room and explained that this was my bodies way of saying that I had an infection. My white blood cells had increased over the hours that I had been in the hospital so signs were pointing to an infection. The dr. explained that if I did not dialate through the night that he would have to insert something in my cervix that would force me to dialate. I did not want that to happen because infection or not I could not allow someone to force my baby to be born knowing he would die. My contractions at this point were every 5 minutes and it was difficult for me to concentrate. They tried to start an I.V. and after three of my veins blew & two nurses attempted they finally got it started. They gave me a dose of pain meds and I began to vomit so they then gave me something for nausea which also made me vomit. I remember at some point hearing Jason sobbing in the corner. The nurse tried to console him but there was nothing that could be said. We both knew that we would soon have to say goodbye to the dream that we had pictured. The little boy that we had named & planned a future for.

8am-6pm June 22nd

I was sent to triage & hooked up to a moniter that could not detect what I knew were contractions. The nurse explained that my uterus was so small that the moniter might not pick them up so I would tell her when I was having one & it seemed to be about every 20-30 minutes.

The Dr. came in and checked my cervix to find it closed. He said he was not convinced that I was actually in labor, i wanted to say "Oh yeah? well, climb inside of me & tell me what I am feeling then"! He had no explanation & said he could not call it labor until it progresses or I am dialating so he said all we could do was go home & wait. I knew what was coming & I prayed that whole time that it wouldn't! I began to time my contractions once I was home & finally texted Jason at 5:30pm as he was heading home from work that we would need to go back to the hospital. My contractions were now every 15 minutes & had become stronger so I knew I was progressing.  I was numb, in shock I guess that this was actually happening. I could still feel Calvin moving inside of me & I was hoping, I was praying that by some miracle that everything would just STOP so that he could be born in two weeks when he could possibly survive. Just two weeks is all that he would need! Please Lord 2 more weeks!

Wed June 22nd

It was around midnight that I began to feel uncomfortable. I kept falling asleep & waking up praying as hard as I could because I knew that this feeling was different. I kept hoping that I would close my eyes & wake up to find that I was no longer feeling the mild cramping that seemed to be coming more frequent. At four a.m. I knew for sure that I was having contractions. I began to cry, Jason woke up & asked what was wrong. I tried to make it seem less than it was because I knew if he understood what was happening that he would fall apart & I needed him to stay strong & calm. I mentioned that my back was bothering me & encouraged him to fall back asleep.

I knew that even if we rushed to the hospital that there was nothing that they could do. I had spoke to my Dr. several times about this scenario & he made it very clear that if contractions were to begin before 24 weeks that our baby would not survive. Calvin was living in very little amniotic fluid which was causing his lungs to be damaged, this along with his extreme prematurity would not allow him to be able to live even with major medical intervention. Making it to the 24th week would allow him to have the steroids that his lungs needed for him to even have a chance at survival. I began to chant over & over in my head "God please help my baby to stay inside of me, God please allow my baby to live"! I repeated it constantly until I fell asleep again.

We began to prepare around seven a.m. to head to the hospital. I called my Dr. & made him aware of what was happening.

Being Content....Tuesday June 21st

This was the last post that I put together the night before contractions began.....

My water broke at 21 weeks & 1 day. I thought for sure that I would have given birth within 24 hours. I was so thankful when I was able to come home from the hospital but was also so anxious about the days to come. I can feel Calvin moving inside of me and at first I was not sure if it was a blessing or a curse because a part of me wanted to detach from pregnancy just in case. I have been able to enjoy his movements over the past 10 days & have tried to talk to him encouraging him to hang on just a little longer.

In 7 days if contractions begin then I will deliver with the possibility of him being able to survive. All I want is for him to have a chance to live. Before my water broke I was stressing on how to decorate for my baby shower. What my invitations would look like. What flavor my cake would be. All of that seems like a blur now & so miniscule. I know that being able to not sweat the small stuff, being content with my circumstances is a blessing that I am able to enjoy now, I am praying that I can remember this feeling as I move forward in life & not sweat the small stuff in the future.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)