My Baby Boy

My baby was handed to me and as I looked down at him I saw a perfect tiny human being. He had my nose and although I had wished that he did not have my nose, he did & it was a perfect fat squished nose right in the middle of his face just like me & my Dad. We all had the same nose. He had Jason's chin & I had hoped that he would not have his daddy's chin but here he was, a perfect combination of both Jason & I.

His eyes were still fused shut because he was too little so I never saw his eyes. I am somewhat thankful for that as I did not want to have to peer into his eyes & have him stare back at me. It was as if he was asleep. He was still alive the nurse said that technically his organs had not fully shut down yet so I held him talking to him telling him how he would be loved in heaven and that his Great Uncles would meet him there. Uncle Keith would take him hunting & Uncle Ted would take him fishing. I told him not to be afraid because one day I would hold him again. I told him I was sorry that he was so small that I did all that I could to help him to grow bigger. I told him how his Daddy & I had wanted him for so long & we were so glad that he had been in our life if only for a short time that we loved him with all of our heart.

He had ten fingers & ten toes and cute little ears. His foot was smaller than my pinky finger. He was wrapped in a blankie & I unwrapped him to see how perfect he was. I held his limp hand & wrapped it around my finger. The time that I had with him went so fast. Around one hour & forty minutes I decided to hand him over to the nurse. I was so afraid that he would gasp or turn blue or begin to become stiff & I did not want that memory so I handed him over about twenty minutes before he was pronounced dead. This is my only regret. I let hime die alone. I wish I would have been strong enough to hold him the entire time even if I heard his last breathe or even if he became cold. I wish I would have held him the whole time so that he would not have been alone.

My only comfort is the thought that the Lord took him while I was still holding him & that pronouncing him dead was just a formality but that he was never alone. I know God was with him the whole time & several angels ready to take him home but as his mother I felt like I needed to be with him the whole time & wish now that I would have been. Like a flash I had said hello & then goodbye to my precious baby boy.
I will never forget his face, his smell or the way that I felt when I held him. I knew he would not survive but he was my baby-my perfect baby boy!