I tried to sleep off & on but the pain meds that they had given me did not seem to help at all. They had tried several cocktails and all it seemed to do was cause me to throw up. Even with the nausea meds I was still vomiting. I curled up in the fetal position & do not remember thinking about anything. My mind was completely blank. Maybe it was the meds or maybe it was God in the room with me but I knew what was coming and I was not afraid. I did not want it to happen but I knew I could do it. I knew I could say hello & goodbye to my baby. I did nothing to try to become more comfortable. I just moaned during each contraction which the nurse might have noticed because she offered me an epidural.
Weeks before I was planning a natural childbirth with candles & a bathtub but now all I wanted was to be numb both physically & mentally. “Give me anything you can give me” I said, not because I was in too much pain, because a part of me wanted to suffer. I wanted it to be as terrible as it could be. I guess this was me feeling sorry for myself.
I then began to think that if I was numb that I could detach more & not have to remember every detail because I would not be able to feel every detail. I remember leaning over holding Jason's shoulders & the anesthesiologist asked me to be still. Are you serious? You want me to be still while the whole time I am contracting & feeling sick to my stomach and am in the most uncomfortable position? I just squeezed Jason's shoulders & tried to concentrate on my grip while continuing to moan.
The epidural kicked in and I fell quickly to sleep.
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