Dear Calvin~

Dear Calvin-

                                As I write my last entry on my journey with you I realize that my journey will last a lifetime. I will have a lifetime to remember your sweet little face...

 I want you to know that Daddy & I dreamed of being able to become pregnant. When I found out I was finally pregnant it caught me by complete surprise. I was elated & scared that something would go wrong. You seemed too good to be true! I surprised your Daddy after taking a test and visiting a Dr. He was shocked & I will never forget the look on his face, he was amazed, ecstatic and worried all at the same time. We had built our family using God & love & now God & love had brought us one more to make our home complete. I remember running to the store with the biggest smile on my face to buy a maternity outfit. This of course was the day after I found out that I was pregnant because I had waited so long to be able to wear clothes that would represent to the world that I was going to be a Mommy again. I could not wait even another second. I tore through the racks not even caring what the color shape or size was. I was determined to buy my first maternity outfit; thank goodness it was comfy, cute & turned out to be my go to outfit while I carried you inside of me. I planned a water birth at home. I wanted to bring you into this world with candles flickering, music playing and family all around. I wanted every second of this experience to be special. I planned to take hypnobirthing classes & had interviewed midwives. I found a great team & after the first trimester was over I just knew that my plans were going to work out. I knew each time that I heard your heartbeat that you were strong, you were growing & I would get to meet you soon. We knew when your baby shower would be & that you would share a bedroom with your brother but that in the beginning you would be in our room. We wondered who you would look like. How tall you would be & if you would play sports like your daddy did. We began to gather items so that when you arrived we would be prepared. I ordered a Doppler so that I could hear & record the sound of your heartbeat. I listened to you every week. I began to notice that when I had a sour belt (a candy that I craved) that you would begin to move and feeling you flip & flop inside of me was so amazing! I had morning sickness in the beginning & kept ginger root beer in a fridge next to our bed along with pretzel sticks & every morning I would drink about 6 sips & eat about 10 pretzels before climbing out of bed to start my day. I feel so fortunate to have had these experiences. I feel JOY when I think about our time with you.

Daddy & I have decided to try again to try to conceive. We are so scared but filled with hope. What happened with you could happen again & we feel that we want- if only granted a few months, to be able to experience the happiness that we had with you. We feel that if we do not try that we will be paralyzed with the thought of our tragic pregnancy & that if we try that we can feel as though we are celebrating the time that we had with you & hoping to be able to experience it again. We will not allow the tragic ending of our pregnancy with you to define the meaning of pregnancy for us. We want to experience it all over again… the maternity clothes, the heartbeat on the doppler, the planning for our baby’s future. We hope that this time will be different & that after experiencing all of the happiness & joy that we will then be blessed enough to have a happier ending. 

 We had decided that we were finished with growing our family & you helped us to see that we still have room in our hearts & our home for one more. We will begin again in a few months to try to conceive. We know that we may have only one opportunity to be pregnant & that the opportunity may have been you. If that is all of the time that we have to experience life growing that we created then  we both agree that we were blessed to have had you even if we did not get to keep you. If it is Gods will to grant us the ability to be able to conceive then we can only take it one day at a time hoping & praying that we will be able to bring a baby home. We will not be afraid as we know that any time will be worth whatever pain that we may experience.  You showed us that even a few hours, a few months can equal a lifetime of joy & sometimes pain but the JOY was far greater than we will allow the pain to be!

I will miss you for a lifetime & I will love you for eternity! Stay with me my son & soon I will hold you again! Love-Mommy

five months have come & gone...

My Baby Boy-

It has been almost 5 months since I held you last. As your due date approached, I tried not to think about it as I did not want to slip back into a place that would prevent me from functioning as a mother/wife. I still think about you all the time. I began to prepare for Halloween, remembering of how I had planned in my head what this holiday would bring. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Maybe it’s because it is geared towards the innocence that children possess maybe it is because even as an adult I have an opportunity to dress up & pretend. Play make believe for a day & escape my age. During the early months of pregnancy I had thought about how you would barely be a week or two old and I wondered how we would make it work. Would Daddy take your sisters & brother out in their costumes? Would I be brave enough to tag along with you strapped to me or would you & I just curl up in our comfy bed & cuddle in the quiet? As October 31^st approached & our days were filled with costumes, candy & a family vacation to Disneyland I noticed that the days flew by & even though I thought of you a few times I did not mourn you. I just remembered what I thought would have been if you were here. I feel like it was yesterday that I held your tiny body, yesterday that I kissed your fingers, yesterday that I unwrapped your feet to peek at what we had created. I also feel at times that it has been 500 months instead of just 5. I am flying home today & as I peered out the window of the plane, I watched the clouds pass by. White fluffy clouds & I thought about you in heaven. I thought about how you will be there when I arrive & if I cannot have you here on earth I am so thankful to at least be able to have you for eternity in heaven.

                                               

Aug 6th-Aug 15th

On Aug 6th we moved into an apartment for what felt like a fresh start. We moved from 3800sf to 1200sf & packed most of our life away in storage. I had kept busy with packing & moving & unpacking & now I sat wondering what to do next. I was doing research each day on the city that we are planning to move to & that would occupy my time for a bit. I began to enjoy sitting on the floor with the kids & teaching them how to play, coming up with different scenarios for my little pony or barbie to act out. We would travel to magic lands where the water would sparkle & the fairies would drop gumballs from the trees. Having them right under me or next to me was a breathe of fresh air. I noticed quickly how lack of space made our life more fun. Having fun with the kids along with the daily household duties seemed to pass time somewhat quickly.

It was Aug 15th before I thought about my loss again. I had began to menstruate for the first time since giving birth and although to most, this is a sign of healing, to me it brought me right back to the day that I began to have contractions. The fear I felt because it was too soon & I knew my baby would die became apparant back on June 23rd when I wiped & saw blood on the tissue.

Now seeing blood on the tissue was not a sign of death but rather a sign that my body was functioning the way that it should. I spiraled this day into a fetal position not wanting to move because menstruation meant I was no longer pregnant-I knew this, but the cramping & the blood reminded me of it.

I knew that having others give birth who were pregnant at the same time as me to healthy babies would be days that the hurt would come back & I prepared myself for these days. I knew the weekend that I had planned to have my baby shower would be a day of pain & finally when my due date comes. I thought about & prepared for these days of pain. I was not prepared for the start of my period to bring emotional pain.

It is interesting how grief pops its head up when you least expect it & can place a black cloud on your day if you let it. For now I am letting it. Each day that I feel it popping up which is becoming fewer & farther between I let it take control. I collapse in defeat & mourn the loss of my son all over again. It seems easier this way than to push it down & pretend that it doesn't exist.

After I or my husband picks me back up again I try to take another step forward moving away from the pain. I know that these dark days will pass & soon will be no more. I know that by allowing them to occur I may seem weak or it may seem unhealthy but for me just the opposite is true. I feel stronger after they pass as if I am one step closer to the rest of my life.

I pampered myself the following week with a mani/pedi & massage. I highly reccomend this form of therapy where you indulge in a healthy activity that makes you happy. I know that Christ is allowing me to be happy & helping me to see that through the pain I will still Live. I could not do this alone & loving the Lord keeps me in good company.

I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD. Psalm 118:17



July 12th-Aug 6th

Jason was out of town a few days during the week after we had retrieved the urn so I found myself sleeping with the bronze heart shaped capsule. I would tuck my kids into bed & as I climbed into bed I would retrieve the heart from its velvet box & hold it in my hand as I cried. I discovered that as I held it that it would become warm. I would pull it out of the box and it would be cold as ice but as I held it & talked to Calvin it would become warm. I knew this was a normal response of metal to warm as it is exposed to heat such as the heat from my hand but as I held the tiny heart and it began to feel warm it was comforting as if I was bringing comfort to my baby. I knew he was not in there but it was the only thing that I could do and as a mother I needed to nurture & provide comfort even if it was to a tiny bronzed heart that held his ashes.

Life began to move a little quicker & we had decided that it was time to move from where we were. We planned a trip to California to the city that we were planning to move to & Jason flew out a few days after the kids & I drove down. I was packing our suitcases and loading the car but before I could leave I needed to grab the velvet box. It sounds crazy but I did not feel that I could leave Calvins ashes in our home all alone. I placed the box in the car amongst the other items & headed to California.

Once in California Calvins ashes came into the room with me & stayed in my suitcase. I knew he was not in there but having all that I had left of him with me was enough. I did not need to sleep with his urn & began to seperate my thoughts of Calvin from his urn with his ashes. I know that I can speak to Calvin even without holding his urn in my hand. I know that comforting my baby was given to me for a short period of time. I held him inside of me from mid January to June 23rd. For 5 months I comforted him & for almost two hours after he was born. I had been given all of the chances to comfort him that I would ever have. Holding his urn was not providing him comfort but prolonging my pain.

When we lose someone it is as if we need to make ourselves suffer because the pain that we feel is so strong that it feels that you NEED to feel it all, every last drop of pain, as if you are closer to the person that you lost because you are hurting. I felt that I had to feel it all & be faced with anguish. I had to feel sorry for myself before I could take a step forward. I am stronger than I was on June 23rd. I face the 23rd of each month and reflect on how I feel after another month has passed. It has been 3 months & it is hard to remember his face, the way he felt or his smell. I have a hard time with this because a part of me wants to stay stuck & a part of me wants to run as fast as I can forgetting it all. I know time will make things easier in one sense because I will not think of him everday as time passes & I will look at his picture less often.

I know however that each time I think of him & each time I look at his picture I hurt just as bad as the day that I had to let him go. Time will heal some parts but I will never be whole again. Even if I am in a great place, I will always have a tiny little space inside of me, inside of my heart or my gut or wherever it is I just know it feels empty.

I lost that piece of me when Calvin died.

Monday July 11th

The phone rang & I recognized the number. It was Vivian from the funeral home. I took a deep breathe & almost ignored the call because I knew why she was calling. I said "hello" & she said "your sons remains are ready for pickup". I hope to never have to hear those words again! Jason took the morning off & My friend who was visiting stayed with our children. As we drove to the office we did not say much. I remember thinking about how I needed to keep it together & wondered what to do with the ashes once I was in the car. I wondered if I should hold them or place them in the center console. Such a strange thought process because it really did not matter & my husband would not judge me either way but I could not help but to think of how I should act & what I should do as if I needed to plan the script in my head. It was such a foreign experience. Nothing that anyone could ever prepare for. No matter how many times I thought it out I could not decide what to do or how I should act. We pulled into the parking lot & I lost my train of thought & began to focus instead on making the process quick, like pulling off a band-aid.

 We rang the bell & she opened the door & said just a moment as we stepped inside. She returned carrying a dark blue velvet box & inside of the box was the heart shaped urn that we had picked out.

                        

It was small enough to hold in one hand. I opened the box & ran my finger across the urn. It was cold like metal. We walked to the car & I decided to drive because I had cried enough & I did not want to sit & think I just wanted to focus on driving. As I hopped in the car I realized that by driving that I could not hold the box that held what was left of my baby so without thinking I did what I do with anything that is in my hand as I enter the car, I placed the box in the center console.

I thought on the way home if this choice was apropriate & I decided that my only other option would have been for Jason to hold it & putting him in a place where he needed to hold a box on his lap that held a urn that held Calvin's ashes would have been tough for him. This was best for both of us.

In the days before I had pictured myself sobbing as I held the box on the way home. I had pictured an end to our journey because we would finally be able to bring our baby home. I discovered as I drove that bringing Calvin home was not an option. Calvin was gone & what I was doing was just a formality. I was retrieving the box that held the urn that encapsulated my baby's ashes.

I will cherish this tiny urn & always keep it close but this heart shaped piece of bronze is not my baby.

My Baby is gone.

It is God who gives me strength & makes my way perfect. 2 Samuel 22:33

July 8th

It had been 2 weeks and it was time to celebrate our 11th year of marriage. My husband called the sitter & informed her of what had happened in our life so that she would not be shocked when she arrived to find that I was no longer pregnant. He had told me that he was taking me out & I knew that it needed to happen but I was not excited about going. I knew I needed to move through the motions because I could not stay stuck forever not wanting to celebrate another thing in life so I finally took a shower around 4pm and was barely ready by our 5pm start time. We had decided to treat ourselves to Ichiban figuring them cooking in front of us while eating would give us less time to think or sit silent. I thought about the last time that we had ate here and how I was pregnant and Jason had rushed me through the casino because people were smoking and he did not want me to inhale any smoke while being pregnant. Now I was sitting at the bar having a margarita feeling like my pregnancy had been just a dream.

Eleven years of marriage had brought us so many twists & turns none of them could we had predicted especially this last so knowing that as long as we held on tight to each other & to God that we could live a glorious life brought us both comfort. We could not have imagined going through any of this without having each other so if I could have picked one thing to celebrate first after such a tragic event in our life I would have to say that our marriage was certainly worth celebrating & smiling about.

June 30th marked a week that had passed...

By now I was managing normal household duties during the day & my husband had worked a few days at his typical 8-5 hours. We were approaching the July 4th weekend with no plans because just like his birthday we did not feel like celebrating or being around other people. We were discovering that joy did not come by celebrating with fireworks or candles but rather by settling in to watch tv or a long hot shower or watching our kids run through bubbles in the back yard. Joy came in the simple things & we did not need to look far to find it. We were more appreciative and more willing to accept our schedule of having no where to go and no one to see as long as we were together we would find joy.

I had made it to the mailbox to find Calvins death certificate, many sympathy cards & a medical bill from the hospital. It seemed life was carrying on. People were still thinking of us but business was back to usual. I was thinking of Calvin almost every minute of every day but I was not as sad as I was. I was not angry, I was never angry and by now I had began to accept that God had a plan to help us through this and that we would be stronger because of this.

Each day brought new hope. I had received a small box from the hospital that contained a picture that was took while his body was at the hospital, it also contained a molded imprint of his feet, the hat he wore, the hospital bracelet that was on his ankle & a certificate that read "Congratulations on the birth of your baby". I found myself finding time each day to look at his photo. I would rub my finger across the molded casting of his footprint & feel his tiny toes. I would hold & smell his little blue hat. Each day I would cry while I did this but it seemed to help because I was spending time with him.

The week of June 27th

My inlaws would return home this week and my husband would return to work. My boobs were so engorged and so painful that I thought I might be the only person in the world to ever die from having her milk come in. I was so swollen that my bra left indentions and creases that marked up each breast. My boobs felt like they were on fire and contained what felt like many large rocks. They were horrifically lumpy, swollen, and more painful than anything I have ever experienced. I could not lay or breathe or walk or dress myself without being in so much pain that I would clench my teeth and squint my eyes. Holding or hugging my children had become impossible and I thought this stage would never be over. It was a constant reminder of what I should be doing but couldn't because my baby was gone.

I had always missed out on breastfeeding. I had adopted my children and had felt left out when I would see a mother feeding her baby or I would sit through a conversation about a pump a method or a way to wean a child without being able to give my input.

My oldest had inquired years prior if I had breast fed her and I remember feeling "less than" because I had not. I explained to her that she was adopted so I had fed her from a bottle and I felt a sense of failure as if I had let her down. I had wondered throught the years if I would have had difficulty breastfeeding if I had ever had the chance to give birth-it was a way that I could make myself feel better each time that I felt left out I would just say to myself  "you probably would not have been able to anyway" ...but now as I sat in a bath watching my milk drain from my breast (the warm water would cause them to drain some) I knew that I would have breastfed with ease.

The bath water became murky and I felt relief that some milk had left my boobs before they had a chance to pop like a balloon that was too full of water. At the same time I felt immense pain that what God had given me to nourish my baby with was now leaving my body being sent down a bath tub drain. It would never cross my babys lips. I would never need to cover up while nursing or keep track of which side my baby had nursed from last. My baby was gone & I never even had a chance to feed him.

Sunday June 26th

It had been three days since my son was born and three days since he had died. Today was my husband's birthday and no one felt like celebrating. I encouraged him to go & play golf which is his favorite thing to do. It took some convincing but he finally arranged a round to be played with his Dad at a new course that he sounded almost excited to play.

We were trying to do normal things so that we would not be zombies around our three small children. Having his parents here helped because we had conversations that kept the silence away. Silence seemed to bring anguish that was so deep I would feel like I was falling inside of a dark hole that I could not get out of. I had woke up every morning since I had been home at or around 4:09 am. I would lay there & cry and think why am I waking up? Is God punishing me because he wants me to relive the most terrible moment of my life? After telling my brother he said that maybe Calvin would visit me at this time just to see how I was doing & to remind me that he was still with me. This helped and each night there after instead of crying and feeling angry that I was having to relive the moment I began to cry and feel joy and comfort that maybe my brother was right and maybe Calvin was in the room with me trying to tell me that he was ok & that I would also be ok.

My milk was beginning to come in and my boobs were becoming huge. They were so big that they would not fit in any bra that I had so I made a trip to Walmart to purchase sports bras. I was still healing and the Dr. had said that if I walked too much that it would cause me to bleed more & would prolong my healing so I sat in a power wheel chair and rolled my way through the bra department. I felt awkward but also felt freedom since I had been on bedrest and now was finally beginning to do what seemed to be a normal task.

I had picked up a cake mix the day before with plans to make it for Jason's birthday but I just did not feel like baking & I knew Jason would not feel like blowing out candles or hearing our kids sing. We were beginning to do normal stuff but had not yet reached a place where we could be that normal.

I had used the power wheel chair at the grocery store while my mother in law walked next to me to stock up on all that we were out of and all of the junk food that I would need to emotionally eat my way through the next two weeks and had walked into Kohls to buy something elastic that I could fit into since the thought of wearing maternity clothes made me want to curl up and sob & wearing what I wore before pregnancy was not an option because none of it would fit. I was slowly walking towards normal. My trip to Kohls was not without a crying episode in the car & discovering that nothing fit from my closet but maternity clothes caused me to break down and fall to the closet floor sobbing but slowly I could take little steps toward healing. I could slowly walk towards what would one day be normal again.

June 25th 2011-My first week home.

My Mother & father in law had drove up from California to help out around the house. I had been home for about 24 hours when Jason & I drove to the funeral home to speak to "Vivian" A.K.A the sympathetic stranger. We arrived at what felt like an abandoned building. The parking lot needed to be repaved & the parking lines had all but dissapeared. I remember thinking that maybe i should have driven past the place first before I chose it to handle the cremation. What was I thinking? Why was I thinking this? What did it matter what this place looked like? I would only have to visit this building twice. I shouldn't be thinking about how esthetically pleasing this building is but I guess it took my mind off of the real reason why I was there.

We buzzed a doorbell because the door was locked and waited. Vivian answered and showed us to a small table that had 3 wobbly chairs surrounding it. We had walked through a veneer coated door and down a ramp that was covered with what seemed like outdoor carpet because it was so thin & I could feel the plywood beneath it as I took each step. Several shelves were hung along the wall and displayed many urns and momentos like porcelain angels that could be purchased. I asked to use the restroom even though I did not need to go. I just needed to look myself in the mirror and say to myself  "Be Strong"! I knew if I began to cry that I would not be able to stop & all I wanted to do was speed through this process & not prolong it. I walked back to the table to see my husbands look of relief that I had actually came back.

As she began to shuffle through the papers and instruct us on where to sign she asked if we wanted to see our baby and for a moment I was torn because I pictured him so tiny wrapped in a blanket all by himself in a huge room and I had to remind myself that he was gone & that me not wanting to see his cold lifeless body was not a sign of my love for him but rather a sign of my sanity & how I knew I needed to move forward if I were ever going to be emotionally healthy and that seeing him again would not only put a memory in my mind that I may not want but would also cause me to take a giant step backwards when I knew I needed to just keep moving forward even if it hurt to do so I could not stay stuck.

We signed and initialled as she rambled through each paragraph and then she handed us a book that we needed to flip through to decide which urn to order. She excused herself from the room and we had a simple conversation of just a few words. What about this.. one of us would say and the other would say...too dark or too square or too urn like until we came to the one that we could both agree upon. It was called the chestnut bronze heart & it measured 2"x2". What a tiny little capsule I thought when I read that it was 2 inches-I actually asked her when she walked back in if what we picked out would be big enough to hold his remains. Why did I ask her that? Like I thought the smallest urn in the book was too small to hold my 1 pound 11 inch long baby. I am not sure why it would even be in the book if it were to be too small for this paticular purpose of holding a micro-preemie.

We had to finish the paperwork and she began to ramble about a funeral of another baby and I am not sure what she said because all that I could think was why are you telling me this and wont you just be quiet so this can be over! She also mentioned that she too had lost a baby at birth and was not even able to hold him so she asked me if I held mine and tried to talk to me as if we both belonged to some newly formed club and I did not feel sympathetic to her nor could I relate because all that I felt was that my baby was the only baby who had ever died without even being allowed to live and that my pain was greater than anyone elses pain and that I did not want to even try to think that this stranger could relate to me because her pain was the same as mine. I just wanted to be done & never have to see, smell or be in this place again. I answered in one word sentences hoping that she would get the hint.

She asked questions like did we want him cremated in a special outfit or blanket or did we want to witness the cremation? I was so ready to be done and to never have to think these horrible thoughts ever again. I felt like a caged animal and would have done anything to have sped things up. We walked out with a paper in hand and her informing us that she would call when he was ready for pickup..."he" I thought, why don't you just call it what it is...The Chestnut Bronze Heart measuring 2x2 that will hold my sons ashes.

My Scarlet Letter

I read the book the scarlet letter while in school and as they wheeled me out of my hospital bed around 9 am that morning, just 5 hours after giving birth. I was pushed past my door and noticed that it had a piece of purple paper taped to it. This, I discovered was the notice to the nurses that my baby had died so that they would be more sensitive upon entering my room. I had been given the scarlet letter. I was wheeled by Jason to the door and as we waited for it to open I held a grey envelope in my lap that contained instructions for my at home recovery. I wanted to scream "NO! I shouldn't have to leave here without my baby! I need more than this envelope to take home! It is not fair!" I began to get a lump in my throat as I held back my tears because I did not want others staring at me as I sobbed. I felt like a robot.

We came straight home & tried to sleep. I couldn't so I called a funeral home & made arrangements for them to pick up my baby's body from the hospital. I hated hearing the sympathetic stranger on the other end of the phone. I hung up feeling like I could not believe I had to do this, was this a nightmare? Was this really happening? Again I felt this is not fair! I was not angry just questioning why me? Why my baby?

My Baby Boy

My baby was handed to me and as I looked down at him I saw a perfect tiny human being. He had my nose and although I had wished that he did not have my nose, he did & it was a perfect fat squished nose right in the middle of his face just like me & my Dad. We all had the same nose. He had Jason's chin & I had hoped that he would not have his daddy's chin but here he was, a perfect combination of both Jason & I.

His eyes were still fused shut because he was too little so I never saw his eyes. I am somewhat thankful for that as I did not want to have to peer into his eyes & have him stare back at me. It was as if he was asleep. He was still alive the nurse said that technically his organs had not fully shut down yet so I held him talking to him telling him how he would be loved in heaven and that his Great Uncles would meet him there. Uncle Keith would take him hunting & Uncle Ted would take him fishing. I told him not to be afraid because one day I would hold him again. I told him I was sorry that he was so small that I did all that I could to help him to grow bigger. I told him how his Daddy & I had wanted him for so long & we were so glad that he had been in our life if only for a short time that we loved him with all of our heart.

He had ten fingers & ten toes and cute little ears. His foot was smaller than my pinky finger. He was wrapped in a blankie & I unwrapped him to see how perfect he was. I held his limp hand & wrapped it around my finger. The time that I had with him went so fast. Around one hour & forty minutes I decided to hand him over to the nurse. I was so afraid that he would gasp or turn blue or begin to become stiff & I did not want that memory so I handed him over about twenty minutes before he was pronounced dead. This is my only regret. I let hime die alone. I wish I would have been strong enough to hold him the entire time even if I heard his last breathe or even if he became cold. I wish I would have held him the whole time so that he would not have been alone.

My only comfort is the thought that the Lord took him while I was still holding him & that pronouncing him dead was just a formality but that he was never alone. I know God was with him the whole time & several angels ready to take him home but as his mother I felt like I needed to be with him the whole time & wish now that I would have been. Like a flash I had said hello & then goodbye to my precious baby boy.
I will never forget his face, his smell or the way that I felt when I held him. I knew he would not survive but he was my baby-my perfect baby boy!

June 23rd 4:00-4:09 am

The dr. came in & I can remember him saying something about when his twins were born to the nurse & I thought what did he say? why is he saying that? It was as if I was in a dream & I could hear them talking but my thoughts were louder than their words.

He asked me to grab my knees and curl up & push like I was..."yeah thats how" is what he said just as Calvin came out. I barely pushed what seemed like half a push & he was here in the Dr's hands being handed to the nurse. It was 4:09 am. It was so quick & now what do I do? I knew I wanted to see him & hold him but I did not know if he was alive or if he had already passed. I did not know if he would look like a normal baby with fingers & toes or if he would be blue or if he would cry. I was so scared of the unknown.

June 23rd 3am

I woke up to the nurse telling me that she was going to check my cervix to see if I was dilated. I stared at the clocked & realized that I had slept several hours & could not believe that time had sped up when it seemed to be passing so slowly before.

The nurse said I was ready. While I slept my cervix had dilated. She said “I can feel his head”. I waited my whole life to hear that sentence & all I could think was “NO!-PLEASE NO! GIVE ME MORE TIME”! I could no longer feel Calvin as I had before because he had moved into the birthing canal & I was numb. I knew we could no longer wait. I said to Jason “did you hear her say she was calling the dr. because it is time to push” he said “yeah” & sat up wiping his eyes as he had also slept a little. We both sat unsure of what was happening next but knowing that it would not be exciting or fulfilling as we had once pictured it.

10pm-3am June 22nd/June23rd

I tried to sleep off & on but the pain meds that they had given me did not seem to help at all. They had tried several cocktails and all it seemed to do was cause me to throw up. Even with the nausea meds I was still vomiting. I curled up in the fetal position & do not remember thinking about anything. My mind was completely blank. Maybe it was the meds or maybe it was God in the room with me but I knew what was coming and I was not afraid. I did not want it to happen but I knew I could do it. I knew I could say hello & goodbye to my baby. I did nothing to try to become more comfortable. I just moaned during each contraction which the nurse might have noticed because she offered me an epidural.

Weeks before I was planning a natural childbirth with candles & a bathtub but now all I wanted was to be numb both physically & mentally. “Give me anything you can give me” I said, not because I was in too much pain, because a part of me wanted to suffer. I wanted it to be as terrible as it could be. I guess this was me feeling sorry for myself.

I then began to think that if I was numb that I could detach more & not have to remember every detail because I would not be able to feel every detail. I remember leaning over holding Jason's shoulders & the anesthesiologist asked me to be still. Are you serious? You want me to be still while the whole time I am contracting & feeling sick to my stomach and am in the most uncomfortable position? I just squeezed Jason's shoulders & tried to concentrate on my grip while continuing to moan.

The epidural kicked in and I fell quickly to sleep.

6pm-10 pm June 22nd

It was apparent when I arrived at the hospital that I was definately having contractions. The moniter showed one every 15 minutes and they began to get stronger. My Dr. met us in the triage & all he said was "its over"! I shook my head showing that I understood. He admitted me into my room and explained that this was my bodies way of saying that I had an infection. My white blood cells had increased over the hours that I had been in the hospital so signs were pointing to an infection. The dr. explained that if I did not dialate through the night that he would have to insert something in my cervix that would force me to dialate. I did not want that to happen because infection or not I could not allow someone to force my baby to be born knowing he would die. My contractions at this point were every 5 minutes and it was difficult for me to concentrate. They tried to start an I.V. and after three of my veins blew & two nurses attempted they finally got it started. They gave me a dose of pain meds and I began to vomit so they then gave me something for nausea which also made me vomit. I remember at some point hearing Jason sobbing in the corner. The nurse tried to console him but there was nothing that could be said. We both knew that we would soon have to say goodbye to the dream that we had pictured. The little boy that we had named & planned a future for.

8am-6pm June 22nd

I was sent to triage & hooked up to a moniter that could not detect what I knew were contractions. The nurse explained that my uterus was so small that the moniter might not pick them up so I would tell her when I was having one & it seemed to be about every 20-30 minutes.

The Dr. came in and checked my cervix to find it closed. He said he was not convinced that I was actually in labor, i wanted to say "Oh yeah? well, climb inside of me & tell me what I am feeling then"! He had no explanation & said he could not call it labor until it progresses or I am dialating so he said all we could do was go home & wait. I knew what was coming & I prayed that whole time that it wouldn't! I began to time my contractions once I was home & finally texted Jason at 5:30pm as he was heading home from work that we would need to go back to the hospital. My contractions were now every 15 minutes & had become stronger so I knew I was progressing.  I was numb, in shock I guess that this was actually happening. I could still feel Calvin moving inside of me & I was hoping, I was praying that by some miracle that everything would just STOP so that he could be born in two weeks when he could possibly survive. Just two weeks is all that he would need! Please Lord 2 more weeks!

Wed June 22nd

It was around midnight that I began to feel uncomfortable. I kept falling asleep & waking up praying as hard as I could because I knew that this feeling was different. I kept hoping that I would close my eyes & wake up to find that I was no longer feeling the mild cramping that seemed to be coming more frequent. At four a.m. I knew for sure that I was having contractions. I began to cry, Jason woke up & asked what was wrong. I tried to make it seem less than it was because I knew if he understood what was happening that he would fall apart & I needed him to stay strong & calm. I mentioned that my back was bothering me & encouraged him to fall back asleep.

I knew that even if we rushed to the hospital that there was nothing that they could do. I had spoke to my Dr. several times about this scenario & he made it very clear that if contractions were to begin before 24 weeks that our baby would not survive. Calvin was living in very little amniotic fluid which was causing his lungs to be damaged, this along with his extreme prematurity would not allow him to be able to live even with major medical intervention. Making it to the 24th week would allow him to have the steroids that his lungs needed for him to even have a chance at survival. I began to chant over & over in my head "God please help my baby to stay inside of me, God please allow my baby to live"! I repeated it constantly until I fell asleep again.

We began to prepare around seven a.m. to head to the hospital. I called my Dr. & made him aware of what was happening.

Being Content....Tuesday June 21st

This was the last post that I put together the night before contractions began.....

My water broke at 21 weeks & 1 day. I thought for sure that I would have given birth within 24 hours. I was so thankful when I was able to come home from the hospital but was also so anxious about the days to come. I can feel Calvin moving inside of me and at first I was not sure if it was a blessing or a curse because a part of me wanted to detach from pregnancy just in case. I have been able to enjoy his movements over the past 10 days & have tried to talk to him encouraging him to hang on just a little longer.

In 7 days if contractions begin then I will deliver with the possibility of him being able to survive. All I want is for him to have a chance to live. Before my water broke I was stressing on how to decorate for my baby shower. What my invitations would look like. What flavor my cake would be. All of that seems like a blur now & so miniscule. I know that being able to not sweat the small stuff, being content with my circumstances is a blessing that I am able to enjoy now, I am praying that I can remember this feeling as I move forward in life & not sweat the small stuff in the future.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)



Friday June 17th-Monday June 20th

My Mother arrived late on Monday 13th and although I have never had a very close relationship with her & have never depended upon her in the past I was somehow naive to the thought that she would swoop in here & make our life easier by replacing me-my duties as a mother to my kids & my house. I was not surprised to learn that by Friday morning she was ready to leave making her departure as high stressed & argumentative as possible. I was disappointed but also relieved that she left sooner than later. My children have only seen her a handful of times for a few hours at a time so them getting use to her being around only to have her retreat again would have been too stressful for them anyway. I am saddened by her loss as I am her only daughter but I cannot continue to live by her chaotic nature & have decided that her choice to abandon me, my kids & my husband when we needed a hero was too much. I forgive her & wish her well but know that I am stronger without her.

By mid-day Monday I had placed an S.O.S signal out to all of my friends & relatives & was thrilled to piece together a weeks worth of help from close friends to even a lady that I have only met once. God is great as when I needed to divert another crisis he flooded me with options. My friends are so selfless-I am blessed to have them in my life! Thank You Shay-Christena-Aimee-Jeni-Cindy & Denise for stepping up!

My niece who is a teenager volunteered to sacrafice her summer to help us out. She even offered to arrive a week early even though she would miss out on a trip to the beach & a chance to tour the College that she may attend. I am so proud of her for being willing to be selfless. She will be here soon to help with the kids & the house. She will learn the kids' routine for a week before her Mother (my sister in law) & her brother (my nephew) will arrive to stay the entire month of July. I am still bewildered at how they were so willing & in fact anxious to help out. I will never be able to repay them but hope to have small chances in the future to show them how much them dropping everything & swooping in to save us is appreciated.


We celebrated Father’s Day on Sunday by the kids each giving Jason a handmade card & me presenting him with a framed photo of my tummy & our Lil' kids' handprints. The Star Wars frame says "The force runs strong in my family" Luke Skywalker. We can only hope that the force does run strong in our family!

Sunday June 12th-Thursday June 16th

My Mother in law left on Sunday and although we enjoyed her being here as it provided a small amount of distraction-we all wished that it was under better circumstances. Each day we would get a little closer to the point at which we knew the baby would survive outside of his womb (25 wks). Each day also brought more anxiety & stress as we were unsure of "if" we would make it to (25 wks). We were in agony over the thought that anything could happen during any second of any day which would bring our journey to a screeching hault! It was 24 weeks for a baby that "may" survive but 22 wks & 2 days or 23 wks & 3 days would not count-if he came then he would die. We had to reach the 24 wk mark.

On Thursday we saw our specialist as he had requested that we drive to his office once a week. The day started out as an exciting one. I took a shower & even shaved my legs! My husband arrived home by 9:30am to pick me up as our appt was at 10. He informed me as we entered our minivan that this trip would be considered our "date" this month. I smiled at the thought but was oddly not disappointed as I knew we would hear our son's heartbeat & it would be the best date ever!

Arriving at the Dr.'s office we noticed a side entrance that I could take as it would enable me to have to walk less. I approached the door as my husband parked the van & the door was locked. Thankfully two ladies were approaching the door from the inside hall & opened the door for me, informing me in an authoritive voice that I had to have a key-really?!... I thought. Ahwell- no one was going to bring my mood down because although every step I took made me worry that I was stepping closer to labor I also knew in a few minutes that I would have a little relief as I would get to see & hear my baby.

They called my name fairly quickly as they did not want me to be upright too long. I laid on the table & the Dr. came in. I explained to him that I had experienced very little leaking over the past week. I just knew that he was going to say that my amniotic fluid level was still at a 15 which is where it was 8 days before. He attempted to measure and said with a sigh that there was not even a pocket of fluid deep enough for him to get a measurement from so he was going to say that my fluid level was at a zero. I did not know what to say...I was speechless. I thought... my baby needs fluid to survive & I have none??!! How can this be? He told me that he would not consider my condition to be any worse than when he had last saw me & that I could still make it to 24 weeks even though my fluids were at a zero. I thought yeah right! I knew we needed a miracle!

Saturday June 11th

I was released from the hospital on Friday so I had been home for 24 hours. I was still very anxious as to the thought of dooms day lurking at my door but being home made time pass a little more quickly. I wanted to pretend that everything would be ok & that this experience was no big deal but every time that I felt a gas pain or the baby kick I would wonder if this was it! I would be real still making sure that I had not just felt a contraction.

I tried not to use the restroom except when I absolutely had to & vowed to only shower every other day. I watched my children play & my husband prepare our home for a long list of people who would be in & out to help. I tried to get used to the idea that I would be asking everyone-family-friends and even at times strangers to help me out by filling up my water bottle or handing me my book if I could not reach it. My semi obsessive compulsive behavior quickly faded as I had to deal with items being on my counters or my kids not being wiped up as thoroughly after a meal as I would have done it. I dealt with my desk being a mess even though I saw it every time I used the restroom & I knew others would too I tried to understand that it was not a priority.

We setup my clothes-towels etc. right near the shower so I would not have to parade back & forth to obtain the items that I needed when I showered. We moved our master bed to the living room and sacrificed privacy so that I may be able to succeed through this bed rest time without feeling locked away & depressed.

Each day that went by we knew we were a little closer to our baby being able to live! My wonderful circle of friends setup a schedule to deliver meals to us and the month of June quickly filled up with a meal being delivered to us each night. July has been started & knowing that my family will be cared for in what seems like a simple gesture is a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. I know my husband will sacrifice & stress during the time that I will be down & knowing that he will not have to work all day & come home while our children wait anxiously to have to cook a meal. He will not have to plan a menu or grocery shop for ingredients. He simply has to heat & serve which makes his evening so much easier! I am so thankful for those who have stepped up volunteering their time & resources to help us out! You have all shown me the other side of when I would deliver a meal or help a friend out. I knew I was helping but I never realized how much.

Friday June 10th

After getting only a few hours of interrupted sleep. I woke up hoping it was all a dream. I could hear the i.v. swooshing next to my ear & the beeping down the hall. The lady next door had a constant heart rate monitor on. I heard her baby's heart beating all through the night. It was a terrible reminder that my baby could be dying inside of me. I was grateful that the constant flow of amniotic fluid had stopped but knew that the specialist would be in by noon to tell me where this might be headed. I assumed that it would not be good news. Jason headed home as his Mom had flown in the night before & he did not have much of a chance to get her settled. He was gone for a few hours and in between me dosing off I remember thinking that time had flown by.

The specialist arrived and confirmed our fears. He explained that usually women would give birth within 24 hours of their water breaking & that if it happened that our baby was too little to survive. He said it was possible that I would not give birth & that my body might hold off long enough for my baby to survive. This would require that I be on strict bed rest, only moving to use the restroom then to get back into bed. I did not care if I had to be hung upside down over a swamp full of alligators I would do whatever it took for as long as it took.

He explained that another complication would be that I could get an infection because due to the rupture there was an entrance to the womb where bacteria could form & if this were to happen that the only choice would be to deliver the baby even though he would be too little to survive. We talked about how I would know if I had an infection. He said I would run a fever or my stomach would get sore or I would begin to have contractions.

We asked if I were to go into labor before the baby could survive if they could use cesarean instead of me having to live with the memory or birthing a lifeless body. He said no, that it would also run a risk of infection & the healing time would be longer. Didn't he understand the healing time that my heart would endure if I had to push a baby from my womb never to hear him cry or see his eyes looking up at me! I somehow thought that knocking me out and surgically removing my precious baby would be less traumatic-who was I kidding? Either way I would have a lifelong amount of pain!

He wanted us to understand the risk involved even if we could make it to 25 weeks (I was currently 21 wks. & 3 days) He said our baby could be blind or deaf that he could have cerebral palsy or lifelong respiratory disease. He could be paralyzed. He could have to have several surgeries to repair his heart or his eyes. He would spend several months in the nicu and still there was a chance that he might not make it. He gave us a choice explaining in detail that he could insert a device into my vagina that would cause my cervix to begin to open and that he would administer pitocin to bring on contractions that we had a CHOICE a choice to play GOD! We could choose that today would be the day that we would give up on our miracle. With no hesitation we declared NO! We have God on our side & God will protect our son we stated that God would give him the exact life that he should have and that he had placed him with us knowing that we could handle it. We explained that if our baby did not make it that it would be because God chose that for him & not because we did. The Dr. did not seem surprised at our decision and stated that he hated to even give us that option but he wanted us be well informed.

We ended our talk with the Dr. with him explaining that all we could do was wait. He would send me home with antibiotics asking that I stay in bed. We would hope that I could wait it out to 25 weeks at which point I would come back to the hospital for around the clock monitoring. He said that he would deliver a 25 wk. old baby but that he preferred to deliver a 29 wk. old baby so the longer the better. We were hopeful but felt very vulnerable as there was nothing the Dr. could do-there was nothing we could-only God could provide what we needed!

Thur June 9th

Jason spent the night with me at the hospital and we fell partially asleep as we waited for the outcome of what we hoped to be an uneventful night.

It was around 1 am when I woke up feeling fluid running all over the hospital bed. I called the nurse who changed the waterproof pad from under me. I tried not to panic as I was not sure what it meant. Less than 10 minutes later it happened again and once again the nurse came in. I was terrified & her calm voice did not seem to make me feel any better. After the third time of a large amount of fluid gushing from my body along with my mucus plug Jason & I began to prepare for the fact that we may have to labor through and deliver our baby. We were like a deer in headlights. Our eyes were as big as coins & we spoke slowly in broken sentences managing to verbalize enough to each other to know what the other was thinking. We talked about if we would want to see his frail little lifeless body bundled in a blanket-we talked about if we would have a funeral & a burial or just a cremation. We did not know if we would hear him cry as he took his last breath or if his eyes would be open. We tried to imagine what a pound would look like. We prepared for the worst. We could not believe this was happening. We waited our whole marriage to become pregnant and in the blink of an eye all that we had thought would be was fading quickly.

We had four wonderful kids & our family was great but this baby inside of me was the miracle that we never thought could happen. It was our happy ending because we finally had the chance to experience life growing from conception on. We enjoyed every little move that Calvin would make & every ultrasound & listening to his heartbeat. We both had fun picking out maternity clothes and talking about how our delivery would go. We had a midwife that would help us to deliver at home in a water birthing tub. We had a douhla and a class setup to take a hypnobirthing course. We had it all planned out! We found out what we were having and began to design the nursery. We picked out a strong family name & was so excited to have 2 little girls & 2 little boys. It was perfect!

Now suddenly nothing mattered, It didn't matter if we were having a boy or if his nursery would be blue. It didn't matter if the changing table that we wanted was on back order or if I hadn't found the perfect nursing bra. All that mattered was that we COULD NOT lose our baby!

Wed June 8th

I sat in the hospital bed trying to explain what I knew to Jason-having to call him back with more information as each nurse or specialist would enter the room with more information. I tried to stay calm as I knew he was driving & had several hours to go. I did not want him to become emotional and even though I quivered as I spoke the words in my head they seemed to flow from my mouth with confidence.

I told him all that I was told-it was TOO EARLY-if Calvin came now he would DIE. I said there is nothing that we can do but to hope that the leak will seal up. I told him about the risk of infection & how I was being started on antibiotics. I told him how most women deliver within 24 hours of this happening.

Once during our call he began to cry. I said no-you cannot do that right now! I cannot do that right now! We both have to be strong & think clearly so scream & let your tears fall then call me back. We both managed to stay un-emotional just in shock until later that night.

It was a few hours into my stay when my Dad called. I had talked to several people-doctor's-friends-relatives but when my Dad called it was my time to lose it... All he said was "How are you Sweatheart"? I could not even speak because I guess I had not thought about how I was. I managed to mumble "I will call you back". I allowed myself to have really big tears fall from my face over & over again for about three minutes. I wiped my face and took a deep breathe & said to myself  "you can do this"! When I finally picked up the phone, my call to my Dad was just like all of the others, I explained the facts & hung up saying I would call when I knew more....

Premature Rupture of Membranes P.R.O.M

I never attended prom while in highschool as I was a few months away from being married & saw no point in getting dressed up to attend a function that would surround myself with people that were heading in a different direction than I was. I never thought that at almost 30 years old that the term P.R.O.M would be floating around my head again. I have to say that this P.R.O.M is much more scary than the other. I never knew that your water breaking halfway through your pregnancy was even an option. I wonder why it happened...I have no explanation.

The day was like any other. Jason was out of town. The kids woke up-I fed them, changed Brenden, got the girls dressed and they played for a few before I fed them lunch and layed them down for a nap. We had ran one small erron to pick up a hypnobirthing book as I was planning to have a homebirth with no medical intervention and wanted to educate myself on the hypnobirthing technique. Through out the morning from about 9am-1pm I felt a few times that I was "gushing" fluid. I use the term loosely because it was less than a tablespoon at a time but it was definately different. At first I thought maybe it was normal and it would be a one time thing. By the third time I called the Dr. and headed to the emergency room. I phoned a babysitter and snuck out while the kids were napping. I did not call Jason as he was away on business and I was not sure if this was serious or if maybe my bladder was just leaking. I was at the hospital 2 hours when I got the news that I was being admitted. I called Jason and he headed toward me as quickly as he could drive....

Pregnancy Photos

I would give anything to go back to any one of these photos. Nothing could have been done any different. The outcome would be the same but I would do it all over again if I just had one more opportunity to talk to my baby while feeling him turning & kicking in me.

Ultrasounds

This was our first ultrasound.

This was our last ultrasound photo. 

My baby grew inside of me for 23 weeks. He has been gone for 7 days. My body still thinks he is here. I can feel him inside of me-moving...it takes me a second to remember that he is not there. My milk came in & as my breast leak it reminds me that I should be feeding my baby. I was due Oct 15th. I should still be pregnant. I am not angry or bitter just sad that there was nothing that I could do to save him. I was his Mom-I talked to him, I would sing to him. I told him how excited we were & how great his life would be. I prepared him for learning to play golf with daddy & spoke about how his brother would teach him to climb a tree & play with cars. I told him how he was named after his uncle & his Pop-Pop.

I planned for him to be here.

I have bruises on my arms from the IV/needles that they used to numb my body. The bruises are fading. They are a yellow color which means they will be gone soon. I wish they would stay forever because as they fade I am faced with the reality that time is passing.

Little Things that cause BIG pain!

Thats right people! I went to Kohls today because I have waited my whole life to have an excuse to wear clothes from the maternity section-I will be wearing these long after the Baby is due because whoever invented jeans with a huge elastic band is genious! Any excuse for me to be comfy during the day!

I published this on my family blog. I had ran out the day after I had found out that I was pregnant because one thing that I have always had a hard time doing is passing by the maternity section in any store. It was always so painful for me & finally I felt so proud to be able to march right up & pick out an outfit. I did not even try it on. I did not care how it looked I just wanted to finally belong to the "club". The group of women who had all experienced shopping for clothes to fit their expanding tummy.

I drove to Kohls on Saturday after Calvin had passed because I did not want to wear maternity clothes. It was just too painful. I could not however fit back into my jeans yet so I thought I would purchase a few new things.  I cried in the car on the way, I cried in the dressing room & I pulled over as I headed home to weep some more. I was overcome with sadness. A hole inside of me as deep as the grand canyon because I would never be able to enter the maternity section again. I felt like it was so unfair that my memories of being pregnant had to be tarnished with such a terrible ending. I will never be able to walk past that part of any store again without remembering my sweet baby boy.  

The Beginning...

My time with Calvin began on Feb 24, 2011       

I handed my husband a card after I had been in to see a doctor. I taped my pregnancy test inside of the card & filmed his reaction. We have been married for 11 years. We had tried 7 times with fertility specialist to become pregnant & never succeeded. We had grown our family through adoption & had given up on the thought that we would ever get to experience a pregnancy. I began to feel sick and saw a doctor thinking I might have a tumor because I had been feeling nauseous & my pants were getting tighter. I never even thought that I could be pregnant. It took me a week to really believe it. I saw his heartbeat on the monitor at my first ultrasound & finally knew it was real. I was so excited to be able to experience life growing inside of me. We both said immediately that we would enjoy our pregnancy however long it lasted as even in the very beginning we were cautious that this dream could become a reality.

It has been 6 days....

My life is so different than I ever planned for it to be. I have learned not to plan. I am taking one day at a time, trying to enjoy as much as I can & not dwelling on how things have turned out. I am doing my best to not sweat the small stuff & just relax, trying to dig deep & determine how to move forward. It is hard to do laundry, take a shower, and vacuum the floor when I know my baby just died.

How can I carry on with normal activities? How can I watch a movie or laugh at something funny? I can because I have to! I have to pick up & take one step forward each day because sitting still; getting stuck will not help anyone. I have to heal and even though I want more than anything to curl up in a ball & never move, sob into a pillow, feel sorry for myself and be angry with God I know that it will not help.

God-even though it is hard to believe did not do this to punish me. He did this to bless me with the ability to overcome all circumstances of life. I will be stronger. I will persevere & I will one day know why I had to experience this pain.

My God is still an awesome God. He is still here with me & because of him I will be able to move forward each day. My life will never be the same. I will remember everything about Calvin from his first kick while inside of me to his little hand that I wrapped around my finger right after he was born.  I will think of him every day, every holiday, every time June 23^rd rolls around. He will always be with me.

I have decided to create this blog to help myself to move through my grief. I hope that if you choose to read this and follow along with my pain that you will be able to come out the other side just as I plan to & see that no matter what we are faced with that All things are possible with God!